20 Honest Essie Nail Polish Names

I wish a $10 manicure that chips the moment I lift a finger made me a duchess. Sadly it doesn’t, and nail polish namers need a reality check. It’s not that I don’t love the Essie polish names. Take, for example, a name like “Nautical Naughty.” No easy feat. All of them manage to be frivolous and effective in the one or two words, and I’ve always believed that the right word choice can sway public opinion when it comes to picking a color. They make life more fun, and I wish I could paper my walls with the colors.

But if “French Affair” were a movie poster for my life, it would say, “The love affair between me and the people I stalk on Instagram.” The name “Cab-ana” can be a little questionable when I’m summering by drinking heartily in a dive bar without any sign of a cabana boy. Here are 20 reality-reflecting new names I propose for some of my favorite Essie shades.

FIRSTTRY

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Real Name: After Sex Honest Name: After Sex Polish Still Not Dry

2BoomBoom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Real Name: Boom Boom Room Honest Name: Netflix in My Bedroom

 

BESTBottleService

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Real Name: Bottle Service Honest Name: Hoping for a Water Refill

2Bouncer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Real Name: Bouncer, It’s Me! Honest Name: OK Fine, Fine I’m Leaving

2Turtleneck

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Real Name: Warm and Toasty Turtleneck Honest Name: Snuggie

2Damsel

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Real Name: Damsel in a Dress Honest Name: Rent-the-Runway No Longer Accepts My Bitcoins

2east_hampton_cottage

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Real Name: East Hampton Cottage Honest Name: Dodging Creepers in the Park

2FrenchAffair

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Real Name: French Affair Honest Name: Lengthy Tinder Chat

2golden_nuggets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Real Name: Golden Nuggets Honest Name: Chicken Nuggets

 

ImportedChamp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Real Name: Imported Champagne Honest Name: Warm Coors, Still Solid

2InTheCabana2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. Real Name: In The Cabana Honest Name: Surfboart in the Bathttub

2innocent

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. Real Name: Innocent Honest Name: Not Guilty

Merrier

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13. Real Name: The More the Merrier Honest Name: Getting Claustrophobic

2Mes

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14. Real Name: Mesmerized Honest Name: Entertaining the Idea of Being Marginally Interested

2noprenup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15. Real Name: No Pre-Nup Honest Name: Boyfriend’s Mother’s Judgment

 

2PAMP

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. Real Name: She’s Pampered Honest Name: She’s Broke

2Showme

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

17. Real Name: Show Me The Ring Honest Name: Show Me How Much Money Was Wasted

2SugarDaddy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18. Real Name: Sugar Daddy Honest Name: Free Leftovers

2Swept

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19. Real Name: Swept Off My Feet Honest Name: Carted Off Drunk

2Tea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20. Real Name: Tea and Crumpets Honest Name: Pizza and PBR

Related Links:
Snoop Dogg Defends His #NailArt: ‘Real Playas Keep They Nails Fly Fresh n Dipped at the Tip’

Lips Are the New Nails, According to Millennials (and Us)
The 9 Perils of D.I.Y Manicures & Nail Art

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