20 Honest Essie Nail Polish Names

I wish a $10 manicure that chips the moment I lift a finger made me a duchess. Sadly it doesn’t, and nail polish namers need a reality check. It’s not that I don’t love the Essie polish names. Take, for example, a name like “Nautical Naughty.” No easy feat. All of them manage to be frivolous and effective in the one or two words, and I’ve always believed that the right word choice can sway public opinion when it comes to picking a color. They make life more fun, and I wish I could paper my walls with the colors.

But if “French Affair” were a movie poster for my life, it would say, “The love affair between me and the people I stalk on Instagram.” The name “Cab-ana” can be a little questionable when I’m summering by drinking heartily in a dive bar without any sign of a cabana boy. Here are 20 reality-reflecting new names I propose for some of my favorite Essie shades.














1. Real Name: After Sex Honest Name: After Sex Polish Still Not Dry














2. Real Name: Boom Boom Room Honest Name: Netflix in My Bedroom















3. Real Name: Bottle Service Honest Name: Hoping for a Water Refill














4. Real Name: Bouncer, It’s Me! Honest Name: OK Fine, Fine I’m Leaving














5. Real Name: Warm and Toasty Turtleneck Honest Name: Snuggie














6. Real Name: Damsel in a Dress Honest Name: Rent-the-Runway No Longer Accepts My Bitcoins















7. Real Name: East Hampton Cottage Honest Name: Dodging Creepers in the Park














8. Real Name: French Affair Honest Name: Lengthy Tinder Chat














9. Real Name: Golden Nuggets Honest Name: Chicken Nuggets















10. Real Name: Imported Champagne Honest Name: Warm Coors, Still Solid














11. Real Name: In The Cabana Honest Name: Surfboart in the Bathttub














12. Real Name: Innocent Honest Name: Not Guilty














13. Real Name: The More the Merrier Honest Name: Getting Claustrophobic














14. Real Name: Mesmerized Honest Name: Entertaining the Idea of Being Marginally Interested














15. Real Name: No Pre-Nup Honest Name: Boyfriend’s Mother’s Judgment















16. Real Name: She’s Pampered Honest Name: She’s Broke














17. Real Name: Show Me The Ring Honest Name: Show Me How Much Money Was Wasted














18. Real Name: Sugar Daddy Honest Name: Free Leftovers














19. Real Name: Swept Off My Feet Honest Name: Carted Off Drunk














20. Real Name: Tea and Crumpets Honest Name: Pizza and PBR

Related Links:
Snoop Dogg Defends His #NailArt: ‘Real Playas Keep They Nails Fly Fresh n Dipped at the Tip’

Lips Are the New Nails, According to Millennials (and Us)
The 9 Perils of D.I.Y Manicures & Nail Art

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