Accidental Beezin’ and the Glossy Lid: A Fable Told in the Second Person

Balenciaga Spring 2014

You start seeing intentionally half-sweated-off eye makeup everywhere: on Into the Gloss, Style.com, once in your own bathroom mirror the afternoon your going-out and sleep schedules aligned. You want wet-look lids to be a regular occurrence. You say to yourself, “I bet you look good on the dance floor with half-circles of greasepaint sliding around the vicinity of your top lash lines.” So you study the tutorials and backstage reports. At Bottega Veneta Spring 2011, it seems someone snuck backstage and replaced all the micellar water with EVOO-soaked Almay wipes. Oscar de la Renta’s uptown girls (Resort 2012) painted on matte lips and brows but forgot where the clear lip gloss usually goes. Aaron de Mey used soot mixed with Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream on Kristen Stewart for V magazine.

You try it. On goes a crayon-load of Smashbox kohl between and under the lashes. Another pencil’s worth of CoverGirl Brown Blaze follows. You are not blessed with natural ocular lubrication, so for the next step, you must cheat. You root around in your battered gift-with-purchase for some MAC Gloss Coat or even a tube of Maybelline Baby Lips, but all you come up with is Burt’s Bees. It has enough slip because you wore away all the waxiness in your mouth-betterment phase. Why not Vaseline? Haven’t you heard petroleum’s bad for you?

You can’t contaminate your lip balm and end up with gross pustules again, so you just twist up and swipe on. Tingly. You feel like Daria Werbowy in Balenciaga’s Spring 2014 ads as you skip-flounce to your place of employment.

Promptly after you finish eating your avocado sandwich, you scurry to the ladies’ room. Your handiwork has partially seeped in, so you apply another coat. It is 4:56 p.m. when your vision begins to blur. As your sight fails, you fumble for a compact and catch a glimpse of your inflamed, swollen eyelids.

The lights dimming, you hysterically consult Google: “how to get peppermint oil out of your eyes.” The instructional video in AP Chem covered broken Erlenmeyer flasks, burns, explosions, fires, and … other emergencies but never anything like this. Will I end up like Milton? Stevie Wonder? Didn’t Beethoven still compose symphonies when he was blind? Or was that deaf? How will I ever mix prints again? The first result suggests swabbing your lids with milk, so you hightail it to the fridge. But it’s 2014 — there are no cow-sourced liquids to be found.

Moral of the story: Do not use products willy-nilly or you too will wind up in the office toilet drizzling Almond Breeze Unsweetened onto your face. The end.

The Office

Related Links:
Tips & Tricks: How Cindi Leive Keeps Her Eye Makeup Intact
The Makeup Artist’s Beauty Store You Need to Bookmark Immediately
Mischa Barton’s Scary Red Eyeshadow Flops

Image via Fashion Gone Rogue

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