I Got a Bumkini Wax, and I’ll Explain What That Is if You Haven’t Already Guessed

by 

My first and only experience with waxing came courtesy of my mother when I was 14-years-old. For some reason, my aunt had given her a box of waxing strips and I, being the grown woman I thought I was, wanted in on the action.

My mother begrudgingly gave me a strip and only because I wouldn’t leave her alone. I, of course, bolted to my room, rubbed the strip between my palms, slapped it on my right leg, and counted down the minutes.

Before I even had time to pull the plastic off in one deadly motion, the loudest scream erupted from my mother’s room. I don’t take well to people in distress, so I dragged my feet to see what the commotion was all about.

Needless to say, sweat and tears coated my mother’s face as she clutched her leg in pain. I just did a 180 out of there, gingerly removed the strip from my own calf, and scrubbed the remaining wax off. I was no longer interested in dying that afternoon.

If not there then where, Nicole?

So I was a bit surprised this weekend when I didn’t curl into a fetus position as a friend talked about the “full bush Brazilian.” I was also annoyed when my boyfriend informed me he already read all about the “normcore of pubes.” Why am I the last to know about the latest trends? I want to be hip and happening with all the kids.

According to New York magazine, the full bush Brazilian is when you remove hair from the labia and butt crack but leave the top grown. Sounds harmless enough, right? Yes, because labia and butt crack and wax sound so magical together in one sentence.

Anyway, I have no clue how this happened, but not even a day later I was scouring the Internet for an establishment offering such a service. Turns outThe Ten Spot in Toronto just calls it a Bumkini. So one thing led to the next and I was making an appointment for less than 24 hours away with no way to cancel without getting charged.

I DON’T KNOW HOW I GOT HERE, YOU GUYS.

Something went wrong with my decision-making.

Something went wrong with my decision-making.

Luckily, The Ten Spot was clean and welcoming, and the only person there besides the employees was a woman getting her nails done. Don’t mind me, I thought, just going to go reimagine a ‘Final Destination’ scene in the back.

I sipped their complimentary tea hoping it would settle my nerves and restore some color to my face, but as soon as I was introduced to Marijana and told she was ready for me, I knew there was no going back. I said a little prayer for my vagina.

bumkini3

The room was spotless, and I only had a few minutes to take everything in before a knock came at the door. I’m pretty sure I yelled “THIS IS MY FIRST TIME!” as soon as Marijana entered. But who knows? It all happened so quick.

I thought I’d freak out having a stranger working down below with a 1000-watt lamp, but I wasn’t. It may be because Modern Family was on the TV in front of me and she asked if I liked Gloria while spreading hot wax.

First up were the sides, labia and then the top of the vagina. At which point I was trying to convince myself to sit up and tell Marijana, No thank you to the bum.This was a real treat but I can no longer permit you to go any further. Please don’t do this.

I like to think I have a high pain tolerance (clearly exaggerating) but people have to stop comparing a wax to a tattoo. It’s not the same, and I feel lied to. The breathing in and exhaling tactic doesn’t exactly work and there’s tweezing involved.

Anyway, Marijana was talking about aftercare but who could pay attention when your knees are to your chest. I heard something about exfoliating on the third day and not waiting so long between appointments.

She also mentioned a Bumkini was a great introduction to waxing as most people just dive into a Brazilian, which makes sense. Now I have no clue how long the wax took, time was bending at that point, but it was no more than 15 minutes.

Afterward, Marijana left the room so I could inspect the final look with a mirror. She also asked to call her back in if there were any touchups required. Marijana could’ve done a lazy zigzag for all I cared and I wouldn’t have uttered her name. I figured I’d make sure everything was still in tact and be on my way.

Before and after.

I didn’t expect to like the appearance of the Bumkini as much as I did. The sides were all smooth, and there was enough hair remaining to keep me feeling like myself.

I believe, though, that there should be a 10-minute window to sit down and chill out after such a procedure. My muscles tensed up for the duration, so my body was shaking as I paid at the desk and staggered into the streets like a drunken sorority girl.

All I could manage was a text to fellow xoVain writer Mari asking where was I,what just happened and where is the closest Starbucks?

Nursing the pain with a Frappuccino is the only thing that makes any sense.

Nursing the pain with a Frappuccino is the only thing that makes any sense.

It’s been a couple days since getting the Bumkini, and I was sure my sensitive skin would break out in tiny, angry bumps. Yet I followed the exfoliating rule using St. Ives Fresh Skin Apricot Scrub and so far everything is comin’ up Millhouse.

Now, whether I would do it again is debatable. There is nothing wrong with the razor and shaving cream in my shower, but it is surprising how much the Bumkini has cut down on itching. I figured the opposite would be true.

There is also the fact that I’m lazy and leave plenty of patches when doing maintenance myself. Of course there are pros and cons, but I don’t think I’m ready to rule out a second visit just yet.

What are your thoughts on the full bush Brazilian/Bumkini? Would you try it?

[xoVain]

More from xoVain:
I Got My First Pedicure and it Wasn’t Nearly as Terrifying as I Expected
3 Ways to Get Cherry Slushie Lips Without the Brain Freeze
I Don’t Like What Caffeine Does to My Body, But I Love What It Does to My Hair

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