Dearest Jon Stewart,
You are a stunning television personality. Dentists would pay you for the privilege of maintaining your pearly whites, your skin has a glow that makes every other fake news show host envious, and “Daily Show” fangirls are forever enamored by your charm and razor sharp wit.
But let’s get to the point. What in the draft of Paul Bunyan and Chuck Norris were you whiffing when you grew a beard? Because even if you’re joking about looking like a Japanese Snow Monkey, well, the description is just apt enough to be accurate.
Last night cannot be unseen. Yes, we all shared a few laughs as you gave us your list of reasons for the transformation, but our laughter turned to tears when we realized the clean-shaved Jon Stewart we knew and loved was naught but a memory.
And on a final, more serious note: you look like Jesse James. Yes, that Jesse James. The Jesse James that broke the heart of America’s Sweetheart, Sandra Bullock. The Jesse James that collects Nazi memorabilia. And yes, the Jesse James that takes inappropriate Hitler-esque photographs.
But we’ll be fair, the slicked-back hair also did its part.
Nonetheless! Will you please pull a Conan and rejuvenate our scarred eyes? Otherwise we may have to install some Fluff jar booby traps throughout your house.
|The Daily Show With Jon Stewart||Mon – Thurs 11p / 10c|
|Jon’s White Beard|