Bar her lines in The Royal Tenenbaums and the “Cruising” duet she did with Huey Lewis, I basically try to ignore everything that comes out of Gwyneth Paltrow‘s mouth. Obviously this never works, because approximately half my life is spent on the internet and Gwyneth Paltrow is a very polarizing celebrity. You’re either consciously coupling with a macrobiotic diet, or you can’t stand her. It was the latter, by my guess larger, group of people who jumped on her latest very questionable comments. This time, they were not about small portions of yellowtail tuna. They were about war.
At her surprise appearance at the Code Conference yesterday, Paltrow verbally bloopered thusly:
“You come across (online comments) about yourself and about your friends, and it’s a very dehumanizing thing,” Paltrow said. “It’s almost like how, in war, you go through this bloody, dehumanizing thing, and then something is defined out of it. My hope is, as we get out of it, we’ll reach the next level of conscience.”
THE NEXT LEVEL OF CONSCIENCE. Is this better than the third level of orgasm?
Not surprisingly, people were less than enthused about her analogy. Cindy McCain, wife of Sen. John McCain — a former prisoner of war — tweeted, “Gweneth Paltrow is a joke. Her life is like taking bullets for a soldier. What a joke! My 2 sons serving in the military should talk to her.” She then tweeted again, “Perhaps Gweneth Paltrow should go out on patrol with some soldiers. Kind of like a Red Carpet in her mind I guess!”
The comments came just a day after Charlize Theron, internet darling, decent actress, and gluten advocate, landed herself in hot water for likening media intrusion to rape:
“When you start living in that world, and doing that, you start feeling raped,” Theron said Thursday after she was asked if she Googles herself. When questioned further about the comment she continued: “Well, when it comes to your son and your private life. Maybe it’s just me.”
I agree that both these comments are not good. Rape victims and soldiers do not usually see their “qualms” as the inevitable flipside to a life of private jets and expensive houses. But I do have some sympathy for both women. As a suffer of chronic word vomit, I know what it’s like to say things and immediately regret them afterwards. (Luckily the things I say are usually to do with pointing out a fugly shirt to a friend before finding out she owns it, and also I’m not in the public eye.) But anyway, it must be rough being a celebrity and having your every word hung upon, picked apart, and fed to… Twitter.
So here are some alternative analogy options for the aforementioned annoyances.
- Hyenas in The Lion King
- Cal Teen bars
- Rat infestations
- Buzz McAllister on Home Alone
- Overly-aggressive office air condition
- Cheese from a tin
- Dinner party conversations in America
- The Met Gala
- Parisian concierges
- Gluten-free cupcakes
- You mom ripping off the covers to get you out of bed on a school day in the middle of winter
- Getting hit with a water bomb on a good hair day
- Realizing Snapchat still has your nudes
- Getting tagged in drunk Facebook photos when you’re out and can’t delete them until you get home
- A mild flu
Of course, these are not your only options when attempting to convey to normals just how annoying being famous can be. But just to be on the safe side, try to leave death and sexual assault out of the picture.