Chanel’s Jump Rope and 5 Other Designer Lifestyle Products We Definitley Won’t Be Buying

If designer threads aren’t enough of a wardrobe get for you, there’s an alternate universe where people use Chanel Badminton rackets and Marc Jacobs condoms and have no trouble sleeping at night. (Important gets for your wardrobe, obviously.) I’m here for logo fever even though it’s not for me personally. I get it, the brands have garnered a cult following for a reason. It’s not that I’m against living stylishly, but I’d argue designers have a better way of doing “lifestyle.”

Here are some of the things I won’t be buying because they’re flat out ridiculous even for people whose life is a summer Friday.

1. Alexander Wang Inflatable Pool shark $45
I have to say that Wang’s home collection is somehow so affordable it could be called Alex. The work-appropriate inflatable pool shark is available for the bargain price of $45. I’m sure I could Amélie the hell out of the situation and put him in compromising positions on Instagram, but pool toys need a Wang update like a suburban lawn needs to look like Disneyland. I wouldn’t want this if it could help me make cupcakes on the beach. But the rich kids of Instagram are probably leaping into a pool filled with Dom and these sharks as we speak.

2. Chanel Jump Rope, price unavailable at press time, but it’s probably worth more than your life
The Chanel handles on this jumprope are ridiculous. When I’m jumping rope, in my head I’m like the First Kid training with Sinbad but in reality, I look like I’m drowning on land. This would make my jumping rope even more laughable. P.S. The starving kids in Africa probably have the logo on only one handle, and that’s another reason the jump rope is excessive.

3. Brooks Brothers Chopsticks $245
There is a class of people who wish to imitate the act of grabbing Asian food with free wooden spears, the Brooks Brothers way. At $245, they’re the cost of 24 moo shoo chicken orders. My parties, which obviously are only attended by members of Parliament and stars of screen, could each have a pair, but that would be wasteful, when these are completely FREE. Their only appeal is that they’re washable and would come in handy self-defense wise if poors ever begged you for your fortune cookie.

4. The Gucci pencil case $248
This leather writing utensil case is the quickest way possible to ensure you’ll get beat up at school. Even if you tried to pass off some interlocking G’s as your family crest, this is too lavish. You will fear the kids who know you had this forever, they will live under your bed and in your daymares. Keep the Gucci insignia on your soup pot handles at home where they belong.

5. Marc Jacobs Condom $2
Who is impressed by designer sex? People out there.

6. Prada Trick, $195
This is a gold plated, logo-engraved doll to attach to your cell phone so that when you call one of your therapists and you have trouble uttering your unspeakable pain, you can just put the Prada doll on the phone.

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