Miuccia gives, and Miuccia takes away. Like God or a perennially applauded, critically acclaimed designer, Mrs. Prada flips a coin to determine the fates of the little people, aka her clients. Will it be a wrinkly satin gunnysack for Susie Q. Starlet? Or a fabulous, career-making masterpiece? When the quarter lands on the side that’s not George Washington’s head — signifying the former — she relies on the following three weapons of concentrated destruction:
1) Handing control to the (drunken) gnomes at the template-dress factory, which she doesn’t supervise because she has more cerebral stuff to worry about
2) Skirts without any finesse
3) Giving the tailor and the steamer-operator the day off
Still, sometimes the dwarves scarf down restorative breakfast burritos, and Lady M takes it upon herself to whip up a blockbuster gown or eleven. Here are 34 custom red-carpet jobs ranked from hideous to sublime.
34. Kerry Washington at the season three premiere of Scandal
This will go down as Kerry Washington’s personal Bay of Pigs. Where’s Olivia Pope when you need her?
33. Kristen Wiig at the New York premiere of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Gnomes. Irresponsible, inebriated gnomes with a taste for schadenfreude.
32. Rita Wilson at the 2012 Met Gala
We’ve slept on sheets less creased than this.
31. Kerry Washington at the 2014 Screen Actors Guild Awards
The idea of pregnancy crop tops: wonderful. Execution: poor.
30. Gemma Arterton at the 2014 Laurence Olivier Awards
Does this make anyone else feel claustrophobic?
29. Lena Dunham at the 2013 Primetime Emmy Awards
Her sister said it reminded her of Delia’s. She took it as a compliment.
28. Léa Seydoux at the 64th Berlinale International Film Festival premiere of The Grand Budapest Hotel
The emergence of a pattern: basic silhouette + haphazard embellishment.
27. Léa Seydoux at the 2014 César Film Awards
26. Gabrielle Union at the 2013 Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater’s Opening Night Benefit Gala
Watch out for the return of strange darts.
25. Lena Dunham at the 2012 Primetime Emmy Awards
Not too shabby.
24. Bérénice Bejo at the 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival premiere of Lawless
Ah, the Jennifer Lawrence strapless problem.
23. Mia Wasikowska at the 2012 Met Gala
Kind of juvenile, but that’s her M.O., we guess. (Also, can someone confirm those aren’t pit stains?)
22. Eva Mendes at the 2012 Met Gala
The peplum’s unnecessary as well as being very crunchy-looking.
21. Anna Wintour at the 2012 Met Gala
What? The lobster was on-theme, which is a lot more than you can say for these Met Gala attendees.
20. Léa Seydoux at the 2013 Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences’ Governors Awards
Like Miuccia, we’re also running out of steam.
19. Anne Hathaway at the Paris premiere of Les Misérables
Still not the last of the boob darts.
18. Linda Evangelista at the 2012 Met Gala
If it wasn’t Linda …
17. Jessica Chastain at the 2013 Critics’ Choice Movie Awards
We have to give her this: The backs are always pretty nice.
16. Anne Hathaway at the 2013 Oscars
Cover up those damn darts, and this is a winner.
15. Milla Jovovich at the 2012 Met Gala
Make all the paper-shredder/wood chipper jokes you want.
14. Milla Jovovich at the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival premiere of Cleopatra
This looks like it was stapled together, but that attitude saves it.
13. Claire Danes at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner
A-OK from the neck down.
12. Anne Vyalitsyna at the 2012 Met Gala
11. Nicole Kidman at the 2013 Annual Huading Image Awards
Jackie Chan seems embarrassed by Nicole’s gaping keyhole, but we dig it.
11. Léa Seydoux at the 62nd Berlinale International Film Festival premiere of Les Adieux De La Reine
This might be the exact moment she became a full-fledged Movie Star. *angels sing*
10. Dakota Fanning at the 2012 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner
She looks like herself.
9. Milla Jovovich at the De Grisogono Party at the 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival
Is it weird we sort of like the ill-fittingness here?
8. Audrey Tautou at the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival Palme D’Or Winners photocall
How to not overwhelm a petite frame with bolts of pink fabric.
7. Kate Mara at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner
Correct usage of an oversized bow.
7. Léa Seydoux at the 64th Berlinale International Film Festival premiere of La belle et la bete
6. Amber Valletta at the 2012 Met Gala
One word: statuesque.
5. Lupita Nyong’o at the 2013 Toronto International Film Festival premiere of 12 Years A Slave
The dress that put Lupita on the fashion map.
4. Diane Kruger at the 2012 Met Gala
This doesn’t look like Prada at all, which might be why it works so well.
3. Michelle Dockery at the 2014 Primetime Emmy Awards
Get it, Lady Mary.
2. Lupita Nyong’o at the 2014 Oscars
1. Emma Stone at The Amazing Spider-Man 2 New York premiere