The Definitive Ranking of Custom Prada Gowns

Miuccia gives, and Miuccia takes away. Like God or a perennially applauded, critically acclaimed designer, Mrs. Prada flips a coin to determine the fates of the little people, aka her clients. Will it be a wrinkly satin gunnysack for Susie Q. Starlet? Or a fabulous, career-making masterpiece? When the quarter lands on the side that’s not George Washington’s head — signifying the former — she relies on the following three weapons of concentrated destruction:

1) Handing control to the (drunken) gnomes at the template-dress factory, which she doesn’t supervise because she has more cerebral stuff to worry about
2) Skirts without any finesse
3) Giving the tailor and the steamer-operator the day off

Still, sometimes the dwarves scarf down restorative breakfast burritos, and Lady M takes it upon herself to whip up a blockbuster gown or eleven. Here are 34 custom red-carpet jobs ranked from hideous to sublime.

34. Kerry Washington at the season three premiere of Scandal

Kerry Washington

This will go down as Kerry Washington’s personal Bay of Pigs. Where’s Olivia Pope when you need her?

33. Kristen Wiig at the New York premiere of Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues

"Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues" U.S. Premiere - Arrivals

Gnomes. Irresponsible, inebriated gnomes with a taste for schadenfreude.

32. Rita Wilson at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

We’ve slept on sheets less creased than this.

31. Kerry Washington at the 2014 Screen Actors Guild Awards

20th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards - Red Carpet

The idea of pregnancy crop tops: wonderful. Execution: poor.

30. Gemma Arterton at the 2014 Laurence Olivier Awards

Laurence Olivier Awards - Red Carpet Arrivals

Does this make anyone else feel claustrophobic?

29. Lena Dunham at the 2013 Primetime Emmy Awards

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Her sister said it reminded her of Delia’s. She took it as a compliment.

28. Léa Seydoux at the 64th Berlinale International Film Festival premiere of The Grand Budapest Hotel

'The Grand Budapest Hotel' Premiere - 64th Berlinale International Film Festival

The emergence of a pattern: basic silhouette + haphazard embellishment.

27. Léa Seydoux at the 2014 César Film Awards

Red Carpet Arrivals - Cesar Film Awards 2014

See?

26. Gabrielle Union at the 2013 Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater’s Opening Night Benefit Gala

2013 Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater's Opening Night Benefit Gala

Watch out for the return of strange darts.

25. Lena Dunham at the 2012 Primetime Emmy Awards

64th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Not too shabby.

24. Bérénice Bejo at the 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival premiere of Lawless

"Lawless" Premiere - 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Ah, the Jennifer Lawrence strapless problem.

23. Mia Wasikowska at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

Kind of juvenile, but that’s her M.O., we guess. (Also, can someone confirm those aren’t pit stains?)

22. Eva Mendes at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

The peplum’s unnecessary as well as being very crunchy-looking.

21. Anna Wintour at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

What? The lobster was on-theme, which is a lot more than you can say for these Met Gala attendees.

20. Léa Seydoux at the 2013 Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences’ Governors Awards

Academy Of Motion Picture Arts And Sciences' Governors Awards - Arrivals

Like Miuccia, we’re also running out of steam.

19. Anne Hathaway at the Paris premiere of Les Misérables

'Les Miserables' Paris Premiere

Still not the last of the boob darts.

18. Linda Evangelista at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

If it wasn’t Linda …

17. Jessica Chastain at the 2013 Critics’ Choice Movie Awards

18th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards - Red Carpet

18th Annual Critics' Choice Movie Awards - Red Carpet

We have to give her this: The backs are always pretty nice.

16. Anne Hathaway at the 2013 Oscars

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Cover up those damn darts, and this is a winner.

15. Milla Jovovich at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

Make all the paper-shredder/wood chipper jokes you want.

14. Milla Jovovich at the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival premiere of Cleopatra

'Cleopatra' Premiere - The 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival

This looks like it was stapled together, but that attitude saves it.

13. Claire Danes at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner

2013 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

A-OK from the neck down.

12. Anne Vyalitsyna at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

Intriguing.

11. Nicole Kidman at the 2013 Annual Huading Image Awards

Annual Huading Image Awards At The Venetian In Macau On October 7th

Jackie Chan seems embarrassed by Nicole’s gaping keyhole, but we dig it.

11. Léa Seydoux at the 62nd Berlinale International Film Festival premiere of Les Adieux De La Reine

"Les Adieux De La Reine" Premiere - 62nd Berlinale International Film Festival

This might be the exact moment she became a full-fledged Movie Star. *angels sing*

10. Dakota Fanning at the 2012 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner

2012 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner - Arrivals

She looks like herself.

9. Milla Jovovich at the De Grisogono Party at the 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival

De Grisogono Party - 65th Annual Cannes Film Festival

Is it weird we sort of like the ill-fittingness here?

8. Audrey Tautou at the 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival Palme D’Or Winners photocall

Palme D'Or Winners Photocall - The 66th Annual Cannes Film Festival

How to not overwhelm a petite frame with bolts of pink fabric.

7. Kate Mara at the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner

2013 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner

Correct usage of an oversized bow.

7. Léa Seydoux at the 64th Berlinale International Film Festival premiere of La belle et la bete

'La belle et la bete' Premiere - 64th Berlinale International Film Festival

Swoon.

6. Amber Valletta at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

One word: statuesque.

5. Lupita Nyong’o at the 2013 Toronto International Film Festival premiere of 12 Years A Slave

"12 Years A Slave" Premiere - Arrivals - 2013 Toronto International Film Festival

The dress that put Lupita on the fashion map.

4. Diane Kruger at the 2012 Met Gala

"Schiaparelli And Prada: Impossible Conversations" Costume Institute Gala

This doesn’t look like Prada at all, which might be why it works so well.

3. Michelle Dockery at the 2014 Primetime Emmy Awards

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

65th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards - Arrivals

Get it, Lady Mary.

2. Lupita Nyong’o at the 2014 Oscars

86th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Bow down.

1. Emma Stone at The Amazing Spider-Man 2 New York premiere

"The Amazing Spider-Man 2" New York Premiere - Inside Arrivals

Perfection achieved.

Related Links:
Miuccia Prada Is ‘Not Really Interested In Clothes’
The (Oscar) Winners Wear Prada
PHOTOS: Every Single Look From The 2012 Met Gala!

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