If you somehow haven’t heard yet, the Biebster and Orlando Bloom got into a battle of epic proportions this week. In short, Justin allegedly went to shake hands with Bloom, who — OH SHIT — refused. The reason? Bieber supposedly said something along the lines of “I slept with your wife. What’s up, bitch?” Bloom took a swing at Bieber, and — unfortunately — missed.
The idea that Justin Bieber would ever be considered a threat to the gorgeous Man God that is Orlando Bloom is hilarious. Although, the story leads me to wonder — what other celebrities would I love to see duke it out? Orlando vs. Bieber is weird enough. But let’s accelerate things a little bit.
Battle # 1: Martha Stewart vs. Guy Fieri
After her stint in prison, I’d like to think that Martha’s got some fight in her. Have you seen the woman lift a thirty pound turkey? She’s got serious strength. Then again, could she be a match for the bleach-tipped Guy Fieri? There’s legend that handlebar mustaches give people supernatural powers. Plus, Stewart’s Food Network rival also eats around 5,000 calories per day worth of food with names like “salted whiskey caramel fool.” Who will throw a pan of hot grease first?
Battle # 2: Ru Paul vs. Tyra Banks
Both of these celebs are synonymous with “fabulous,” “werk,” and “fierce.” I can only imagine how long the two could stand being in a room together until the weaves start being torn out.
Battle # 3: All of the Bachelor contestants
In all honesty, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a reality show that’s already in the works. I mean, everyone watching The Bachelor already has their fingers crossed that the girls are going to start beating the crap out of each other. We just need to get them in a ring together, provide some champagne, and wait for someone to say that “they don’t want any drama tonight.”
Battle # 4: Simon Cowell vs the What Not to Wear hosts
Simon Cowell is infamous for his black t-shirt, jeans, and constipation face combo. I can only imagine the horror on Stacy London and Clinton Kelly’s faces when they see that his entire wardrobe is exactly the same. That’s when the American Idol judge gets stabbed with a hyper-sharpened eyeliner pencil, and Stacy is strangled with a black Gap tee.
Battle # 5: Eminem vs Michelle Obama
I think we all know that Mama O would win this one. For God’s sake, she wakes up at 4:30 AM every day to work out. HOW. She also comes prepared to every battle with an army of buff kids. Eminem has nothing on that.