Etsy has a 50 Shades of Grey fetish, and it’s a pretty twisted scene.
The kind of freedom of expression that exists in the 50 Shades of Grey fan universe on Etsy is an alternate dimension where you can help yourself to 50 Shades-themed cupcake toppers because people are fucking CRAZY in love with this series. Based on our online shopping trip into this abyss, we’ve learned that Moms with Free Time + Softcore Porn = Peak DIY. It’s a world full of handcuff and tie charm bracelets, and just so much more ridiculousness. This is a special breed of fan, and as they wait for the movie on Valentine’s Day, there’s nothing better to do than knit a yarn colorway inspired by Anastasia’s kink virgin hair.
Let’s dive right into the eight weirdest 50 Shades of Grey products on Etsy.
1. 50 Shades of Grey Custom Cookies, $35 at Etsy
Someone has channeled all her sex-starved desperation into frosting some cookies, and they look fantastic.
2. 50 Shades of Grey MiniMe Birdhouse $11.99 at Etsy
This fan art from Sutton, Massachusetts asks the question, ‘what is it about elevators?’
3. 50 Shades Of Gray (sexy scent for him) $4 at Etsy
This irresistable looking block of soap for men claims to smell better than the book owing to the “tainted rose” it’s made with.
4. 50 Shades of Earl Grey tea $27.69 at Etsy
Nothing says tea time like a book about a dominant man with a button-pushy back story. While you read it, you’ll obviously need sachets of lavender, citrus, vanilla, cream and mardi gras-flavored loose tea. Just open up your pleasure tins, brew some to go and crack open your porn book at a middle school soccer game.
5. Upcycled book purse $43.57 at Etsy
What if you’re done reading the book, and you can’t freak people out on the subway anymore? Your torrid affair with mind-diddling yourself in public is not over because this purse.
6. 50 Shades of Grey Party Picks, $5.75 at Etsy
You can start vision boarding the cupcakes worthy of these toppers for your February film discussion meetings now.
7. 50 Shades of Grey inspired iPhone 5/5s case, $37.50 at Etsy
Someone has glued grey roses, hearts, pearls, lips, and a bowtie, onto this, and it’s definitely priced reasonably.
8. 50 Shades of Grey, Hand dyed Deuces Wild Sock Yarn $17 at Etsy
No one has to know you’re silently fantasizing about being swept away in a helicopter or sucking on a Christian-flavored Popsicle if you knit with this yarn based on the books. The colors are based off of the deep browns for Anastasia’s hair, the deep blue of her eyes, the navy blue for her jacket, the light blue for her top, and then both medium and light browns for her leather boots.
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