You might think that nothing repels the male gaze with the power and mystery of the avian bird flu like a sack dress, but women are the worst enemies. Any time you wear anything within visible distance to a burlap sack, you can expect an immediate downpour of fashion haterade. People still cling to the misconception that it makes you look like a bag of potatoes, but this is a sack of lies. What you should wear to date night and what you should carry a bale of spuds in are the exact same thing.
Here are five reasons you should embrace the sack dress.
1. Stuff that doesn’t touch your body is perfect for summer.
The sack dress is the solution to feeling trapped when contact with your own fabric is a proposition more terrifying than being sardined on the subway. Do you really want to be melting your pits off in some butt-skimming bodycon? Stop hugging your curves every day, it’s co-dependent. Summer’s the time you can throw something breathable and floaty over your head every single day. It’s not “Boho.” It’s common sense. Stop hating and buy yourself this pretty fan for your thighs, because it will give you the will to brave the day instead of being an air-conditioner hermit.
2. You’re woman enough.
When a female newspaper critic slammed Marilyn Monroe, calling her cleavage “cheap and vulgar,” she said she’d look better in a burlap sack. She wasn’t completely wrong because 20th Century Fox seized the news opportunity and took pictures of her in one. The result: she looked like Marilyn Monroe. OK, the potato sack was more form-fitting than the dress I’m defending because she likes tight things. But the lesson is that the woman maketh the clothes, not the other way around. I think most ladies in sack dresses look like comfy hourglasses. It helps you breeze around like a goddamn Christmas ornament angel without delving into painter’s tarp territory. Putting one on says your figure doesn’t need flattering. Hell, it doesn’t even need a) a belt or b) effort. It’s doing you so many favors.
3. It doesn’t leave as much to the imagination as you think.
There’s plenty to see. Find one that doesn’t suffocate your fronts and does absolutely nothing at the bottom. You’ll look mod and feel cool.
4. But it does leave a little… and that’s okay.
Normcore standby Jerry Seinfeld insisted that he wanted a woman’s body left to the imagination because it was more interesting that way. Not that we’re dressing to please him, but he had a point. We’re here for the ventilation-providing backless tank and lacey shorts, but our rights apply equally to covering up when we want to. You’re entitled to free your nips at the beach because they’re for you and no one else, but you’re also free to be comfortable and defy the cliché anti-sack lingo.
5. Fashion’s favorite buzz word: versatility.
In the resort collections, sack dresses have invisible tailoring and come in raffia, linen, silk, and khaki. They offer more footwear possibilities than shorts. You can dress them up in heels, sandals or cut-out summer boots. They’re ideal for wiping up barbecue with the excess fabric and you’ll look like ad campaign when you spin around with a hula hoop. If you were demanding a way to be presentably lazy without wearing a bathing suit cover-up to work, the sack dress is it.