I recently heard about the new Foria cannabis lube. It’s manufactured exclusively for women. Women tired of the same boring old lube without any drugs in it.
The world has always told my lady boner that weed and sexual pleasure don’t happen at the exact same time, and yet here miracle marijana lube rose into my life from Aphrodite, a California medical marijuana collective marketing it for medical use only. Right.
So it was my love of being mellow and my stellar news judgment that led me to Foria. My journalistic investigation would be to see if my vagina could actually get high. I’d be just like Joan Didion, except more relevant. Knowing that no amount of stories about sweatshops or work with inner-city kids would make up for shaming my family this way, I decided that being sex-positive was modern and that being stoned in this weed-friendly landscape was really cool.
I’m usually basic in the bedroom. (A preliminary high-five or maybe some Led Zeppelin, sure. Feathers and spiked collars, no.) But I decided to get my snatch weeded, and place the burden of information on you.
Even the pamphlet for Foria was like a fan-created YouTube video for an Enya song. On one side, a pair of hands cup water that appears to be in an enchanted forest. A woman’s hands come together in the shape of the source of all life as she gathers water so pure it could quench the thirst of the universe. There’s an open orchid, a just about to be born pink rose, and a bountiful bouquet of pot leaves that have been freshly kissed with fairy dust.
It “brings to your fingertip the power of ancient plant medicine to inspire deep healing and unlock profound pleasures.” It’s designed to be sprayed on the clitoris, inner and outer labia, and inside the vagina. Even better, it’s vegan, sugar-free and gluten-free. It’s for women, but the “giving” sort of man can also experience the “pleasure within” through his mouth. (One full spray has 2mg of THC and 4-8 sprays is the suggested serving.)
When I christened it, I started with four, obeying the directions because I was afraid of Maureen-Dowding myself into oblivion. I smelled like a tanning salon in a Hungarian bakery. I let it marinate for 45 minutes before I jilled off. It had a lasting silky texture, but getting off felt like it usually does. (It also doesn’t stir your mind the way smoking greenery would.)
Then I got a “how’s it going with your drugged out vag?” e-mail from the Foria rep who said to give it at least five spritzes and to wait an hour to allow it to set up through the body.
So I did, this time with an accomplice. I dosed myself with six all up in there, and waited a full hour with my “partner” (sorry) tasked with groping me. I’m more of a pleaser, and I hardly need much to be ready to go. Getting fingerbanged felt nice, but no nicer than it typically feels. Even though I prefer penetration, I knew for the sake of thoroughness, I’d need to be on the receiving end of some oral stuff. I asked the gentleman to gentleman me with his mouth every so gently.
As soon as the licking started, it hit me. There are the drugs. It was an all-over buzzy tingly feeling that spreads the pleasure much further than wherever you’re being directly stimulated. It pulsated like there was a delicate vibrator inside of me, but better. Cloudier. I hadn’t felt anything like it before, and I’ve had my share of sex after some hits from a J.
Depending on how hard you work that nozzle, this stuff has two speeds: 1) I feel nothing and 2) yup, that’s drugs. My fellow explorer didn’t get a body high from tonguing the stuff, and the night I pumped seven squirts in my mouth, I didn’t either. I only felt the powerful effects during foreplay, and I tested it with penetration on four different occasions in various positions. It’s like the white wine of weed, so I was functional. You’ll be fine the next day.
It was invigorating. Not mind-altering fireworks, but I felt it.