Image via Teen Vogue
This is like one of those BuzzFeed lists but better because it’s not about Starbucks, and these are not thoughts every girl has. Plus you’ll learn so much about my neuroses, which could be valuable to you if you work as a hairstylist or therapist. Either way, bonne chance if I end up in your chair/on your couch.
1. Thomas Mars cuts his own hair.
I have followed his lead quite successfully — twice. (Clarification: He has a secret process which sometimes involves sawing motions using a knife, so I mean I copied the concept.) The problem is things got crazy between my last safety-scissor session and now, and I’m too chicken to take off more than two inches. So I’m eventually going to book my first professional cut in, like, eight months and answer “me” all nonchalantly when they ask who cut my hair last.
2. So does Natalie Massenet. Allegedly.
I once read in an interview that she and the girls at Net-a-Porter all cut their hair upside-down, which supposedly results in layers. This is an 8/10 tip. Random snips will give you different lengths, but they could also give you craft-corner-gone-awry if you’re reckless. Proceed with caution.
3. Should I get bangs?
I love bangs and have had them more often than not, but then I wonder what it’s like to go around fringeless. But then I remember how much it sucks waiting for them to grow out. But then I think maybe my life will change the moment they reach Clémence Poésy length. But then Jane Birkin. Ugh. Why haven’t they invented bangs that don’t look dumb when you want a swoop? Deep down, I know I have the forehead for bangs but the grooming habits for a buzz cut.
4. I don’t want my hair to interfere with my clothes.
When you wear shirts buttoned up all the way, you don’t want your ends competing with your printed collar and your face. That was the whole rationale behind the Great Lob Migration of 2009. Here — Plum Sykes wrote a story about it, from which we can conclude “jacketini” is surely one of the stupidest words of all time and that “swingy” is surely one of the best hair adjectives of all time.
5. Is my body ready for short hair?
Read this persuasive essay by Joan Juliet Buck. And remember — she said it. Not me.
6. What is my Life Cut and do I even want one?
Michelle Villett, the former Elle Canada beauty and health editor who accused Ryan Gosling of axing his beak, says every human has a haircut soulmate. I have certainly not found mine yet, and I’m not sure I want to give up the freedom to flit from one chop to the next. It would, however, be a nice change of pace to wake up every morning without wondering what new tumbleweed has attached itself to my head.
7. Will I ever be someone who brushes her hair regularly?
Mary-Kate recently joined the Dark Side. I use L’Oréal Kids Tangle Tamer precisely so I don’t have to run a comb through my thicket.
8. My entire scalp might be covered in cowlicks.
My wave pattern is best described as swirly and indomitable. It only assumes a pleasing S-shape when the humidity is at 40 percent and the temperature is below 75 degrees. At least it has a rough texture most people only achieve after a double process.
9. What is the likelihood someone else will have the same haircut?
The secret, I think, is all in the timing. You get the opposite of what everyone has right before they know it’s cool. Then immediately before your haircut reaches critical mass you go back to what everyone else had before. Or you could go full-on champignon like I once did (accidentally) and not have to worry.
10. Why can’t Garren just make it all go away?