Beauty Tips for Dummies

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Note: the following tips are designed for those who have fully articulated arms. If you don’t have arms, your arms are permanently affixed to your waist, one hand is stuck gracefully palming your stomach in a way that says “I’m listening” or “I shouldn’t have chased that Go-Gurt with a can of chili,” or both hands are displaying summer’s trendy new fashion tote, come back next week when we’ll have tips adjusted for every body type!

Looking for some summer lovin’? Have your unblinking eyes tilted in the direction of someone special, like Keith in Housewares? Follow these quick and easy beauty tips for switching up your look and you’ll have a whole crowd gathered outside your window from morning to close!

1. Make him forget how your vacant, plastic stare strikes a cold fear into his heart by bringing attention to your luscious, soft-silicone eyelashes! Build on the skilled work done by underaged third-world hands by giving your lashes a sweep of brown mascara. The look is subtle enough for day but will really make your dead eyes pop whenever light reflects off the clothes racks onto your face.

2. Get some expression into those polystyrene wells of death and nightmares, AKA your eyes: use a sharpened kohl pencil to draw thin crow’s feet and wrinkles around your eyes, toward your temples. It’ll look like you’ve lived a life full of laughter! We’ll explain what laughter is a little later.

3. Take your look from uncanny valley to fun-canny gal-y by bringing some color to your flawless fiberglass skin. We find that some well-placed blush on the apples of your cheeks really heightens the illusion. Try to match your blush to the shade of the scarf Assistant Dresser Lynn tied around your neck. As she said, it’s summer’s hottest color!

4. You may have noticed that breathing humans also have gaping holes scattered across their face. These holes are called “pores” and are just like the trash receptacles located between Women’s Fashion and Women’s Intimates, except humans don’t empty these unless they are stressed, avoiding their real work, have a date, or it’s January and they’re still following what is called a “resolution.” You can emulate this look by just drawing dots all over your face with your kohl pencil.

5. Nothing is more attractive than a pouty, shiny mouth. If a teeth-bearing smile has been built into your face, offset the horror of synthetic emotion by rocking a bold lip! Coral, hot pink, and berry are all on-trend this season. And since you were given sentience by a demon lord in order to kill off the human race, you won’t have time to reapply, so be sure to layer coats of lipstick with loose powder in order to minimize feathering and bleeding.

You’re ready for a summer of flirtation and romance! When Keith from Housewares sees you stepping down from the window display and flaunting your new look, don’t be surprised if he starts screaming uncontrollably and pleading for his life. A gorgeous mannequin who can move, apply mascara, and wield a new Wusthof Gourmet 8″ Hollow Edge knife from Kitchen And Cutlery will have that effect on a man!

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Related Links:
What Beyoncé’s ‘Grown Woman’ Would Sound Like If It Were True to Life
Print This Note to Leave for Your Next Mediocre One-Night Stand
What Do Your Flirting Techniques Say About You?

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