4 Bedtime Stories for Unemployed Women

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Craigslist Jobs my apartment to keep.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Craigslist Jobs my apartment to keep.


1. In a faraway land across the Brooklyn Bridge there exists a magic bowl with unusual properties. Every weekday morning, weary millennials enter a harshly-lit room and sit down to their labor. Then come other weary millennials who do the same work but don’t get paid for it because they receive a far more valuable bounty, something that the Royal Executive Officers call “experience”, which can’t be put towards your rent but can be written about on a piece of paper. Sheltered among these laborers is a bowl that brims with fruit and never empties. Girls with messy top knots will take two, no, three clementines and a banana, seemingly depleting the bowl’s seasonal supply, but come the next morning, there will be a new pile of fruit to feast upon. It is like this every morning and, unlike the kale wrap you bought this afternoon that left you with a negative balance, the fruit is free. Like, completely free. You don’t have to give a handjob to anyone

2. Once upon a time, a young woman, who wasn’t a princess and wasn’t ever going to become a princess as long as she continued to sleep with guys who wore tank tops and sang in Dio cover bands, walked into a chain pharmacy store. She was finally at the end of her quest — the journey was onerous and demanding, taking place over three avenues at the ungodly hour of 11 AM. Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, she fought her way to the Rite Aid beyond the cluster of half-drunk grandfathers who shouted about her ass. With a strong will and stony eyes, she marched her way to the back of the outpost. “I am here to refill my birth control prescription,” she bellowed. The man behind the counter trembled in fear and summoned the appropriate box. The young woman reached for her Holy Grail’s Holy Grail but her arm paused in mid-air. Would there be one last challenge? Her hesitation provoked the man to speak. “There is no charge for it, ma’am,” he stuttered. “Your insurance covers the cost.” The young woman snatched the pills and high-fived every angel on her way out of the store. And the woman, her monthly periods, and Obamacare lived happily ever after…

3. Rock-a-bye lady, in a slump,
Dream of an apartment that isn’t a dump,
Pretend you can afford to buy alcohol still
And that you don’t habitually cry at your bills.

4. …Goodnight dinners of Nilla wafers
Goodnight Savers
Goodnight sad marathons of Fraiser
Goodnight Craigslist
And my interview blazer
Goodnight cover letter
Goodnight sensible sweater
Goodnight food stamps
and goodnight loan from Gramps
Goodnight Ramen noodles
and goodnight SAT prep pupils
Goodnight crushing rent
And goodnight car door dent
Goodnight failure
And goodnight small wins
Goodnight wine
Goodnight gin
And goodnight to everyone
inviting me to join LinkedIn
Goodnight résumé
Goodnight health care
Goodnight unemployed ladies everywhere.

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