Congratulations! You’re winning at the game of life and have finally landed yourself a boyfriend. He’s everything you’ve ever wanted: human, breathing, and warm. Girl power! Unfortunately, now you have to worry about crazy bitches trying to steal him away from you. If only life were as easy as Dora the Explorer and you could say, “Swiper, no swiping!” (PS. Kudos on getting a boyfriend who appreciates Dora. Girl’s got swag.)
In order to keep your man on lock, you’ve got to always be on the lookout for potential predators. To make an Animal Planet analogy, your boyfriend is the gazelle, and every other woman on the planet is the cheetah. You must protect what is rightfully yours. But in order to do that, you have to be able to spot the kinds of ladies who will steal your boo boo from right under you.
Red Flag # 1: She has eyes
If a woman has eyes– and is not blind– she has the ability to see your boyfriend. She is able to witness the glory that is his plaid shirt and Converse sneakers. God forbid she gets a glimpse of the slight bulge in his jeans– she’ll be dry humping him in the middle of Macy’s within seconds. Side note: Make sure your man is always wearing a cup for protection. Hormonal women are like the most powerful of linebackers.
Red Flag # 2: She has hands
Blind women are even more dangerous than women with sight! After all, they get a free pass! These bitches can let their hands pass over whatever they please, just to get a “sense of what he looks like.” Before you know it, she’s punching you in the face, moving to another location, and then slowly running her traitorous hands through his hair.
Red Flag # 3: She has a mouth
A woman’s mouth is only ever used for spreading deceitful lies… and sex stuff. You need to keep all of that negative energy away from your man! Stay at least 20 feet away from women at all times. Hand holding is a particularly useful way to keep your cuddle bunny away from anyone with estrogen. If he strays from your side, it’s very likely that a woman will begin to bite your face until you are unrecognizable to your boyfriend.
Red Flag # 4: She has hair
Do you ever wonder why every woman has so many hair products? Because she wants to blind men with her shiny locks and drag them away to her lady cave. (Both figuratively and literally.) Don’t even trust the baldies– wigs can serve the same purpose!
When it comes to protecting your gazelle of a man from the bat shit crazy lionesses out there, it’s best to keep the words of Alastor Moody in mind: “Constant vigilance.”