1. So…what are you eating for lunch today?
A) Oh god, lunch! It completely slipped my mind! Did I schedule it into my Google Calendar? No, no I did not. I think I have a Lindt Truffle somewhere in my desk from the holiday party; maybe I’ll have time to unwrap it while the quarterly report is printing.
B) Well what is Dave having for lunch today? Oh yeah? That sounds good. …Is that in the fridge, or…?
C) Oh you know, a macrobiotic sashimi bento box with a gluten-free, açaí-infused kale and frisée salad. And a San Pellegrino mineral water. Why?
D) A Hungry Man frozen dinner, a philly cheesesteak, and a Doritos Locos taco. Though you know I’d rather be having Kristen from Marketing, if you know what I’m saying. [Howling and Panting noises] You know it, brah!
2. Where are you going to eat?
A) Going? What do you mean “going”?! Do you think these faxes are going to send themselves? I’m going to hunch over my desk like a vulture and not look up until I finish the bag of chips I got from the vending machine.
B) Usually I eat in secret. I have a few good hiding spots — the last bathroom stall, under my desk, the elevator. I can’t let anyone see me, you know? I can’t give them a shred of evidence.
C) There’s this really good organic, fair trade, farm-to-table, allergen-free, sustainable, vegan, raw café that operates out of the living room of a third floor walk-up. An Olsen twin was spotted there last month. They sell this carrot on a stick that is just to die.
D) One of my bros from Theta Chi runs a fried bacon stand in the middle of a paintball tournament. Yo, we should go! C’mon. No homo.
3. What are you drinking?
A) Drinking! Of course! That must be why I’ve been dizzy for the past week! I’ll go get some wa — hello? Yes, this is she…No, I told you, we have to work on a growth plan…
B) A can of Diet Coke that I found in the fridge.
C) Raw organic coconut water from Juice Press.
D) A Mountain Dew.
4. Do you ever prepare your own lunch?
A) Prepare my own lunch? Ha! Why don’t I just make a four-course meal for the conference meeting tomorrow and serve craft cocktails for the whole office afterwards?! Yeah, and I’ll just live-tweet the whole thing! Just tweet from all your Twitters!….Please don’t ask me to do that. I’m so tired.
B) Why should I? There were enough sandwiches left over from the strategy meeting to last me a week!
C) Obvz! I prepare my own lunch every week! Well, except when I’m on my juice cleanse.
D) Preparing lunch is a woman’s (read: my mom’s) job.
5. What would your ideal lunch look like?
A) Something that can be eaten quickly and won’t stain the printouts of the new campaign that my boss had me print out for a seventh time for what reason, I don’t know, but sure, of course I can, it’s not like I am working to meet five other — Mr. Silverwood? …Has my Bluetooth been on this entire time?
B) Chloe’s, which is why I’m going to steal it tomorrow.
C) A whole-grain, chia seed-encrusted, quinoa-topped Siggi’s low-fat plain yogurt. Or a pizza — what? No, I didn’t say anything! Forget it! Where’s my ginger shake?
D) You know those places where you can eat sushi off a naked chick’s body? Yeah, one of those. For the chick. It’s not that I like sushi. No homo.
6. If you could eat lunch with one person, living or dead, who would it be?
A) My boyfriend; I haven’t seen or hear from him since Christmas.
B) Well, when I’m eating lunch in the conference room, the interns usually come in and start cleaning up all the leftover food and they’re pretty cool…They never take back the sodas I stuff in my bag.
C) Gwyneth Paltrow.
D) Nobel Laureate Leymah Gbowee, because I’m interested in restorative justice and strategic peacebuilding…or Kristen from Marketing because of those jugs! WOO! SPRING BREAK!
7. Choose your favorite type of food.
A) ….What did you say? I’m sorry, I think I just dozed off for a second.
C) Gwyneth Paltrow
D) Any food that fuels the development of my pecs.
8. What’s your lunch hour soundtrack?
A) The sound of muffled sobs.
B) Ron yelling, “I can’t believe someone stole my lunch again! What is WRONG with you people?!”
D) ESPN’s college basketball podcast; I gotta keep tabs on how my bracket is doing.
9. What’s your lunch philosophy?
A) “Marissa Mayer didn’t take a maternity leave; what’s not eating lunch for three months? You can do this! Just think: CEO, CEO, CEO!”
B) “Finder’s keepers.”
C) “Wrap it in kale!”
D) “Eat whatever you want; you’re a growing boy.” I actually stole that from my mom — she says it to me all the time. It still counts, right?
10. What’s going to be the worst part about eating lunch today?
A) That I won’t be working, and I always have to be working; do you realize how many emails I’ve received since beginning this quiz? 300. 300 EMAILS.
B) This person put mustard on their sandwich. I hate mustard.
C) When I don’t have any more nutritional yeast flakes to sprinkle on top of it.
D) It’ll get stuck in my beard.
If you got mostly A’s…
You’re just a busy little worker bee, aren’t you? You’re not exactly sure what your title is — it’s associate manager director of some coordinated affairs — but you do know that it requires constant vigilance. You haven’t eaten a real meal since Thanksgiving at your parents’ weekend home; at the moment, you’re just barely sustaining yourself on Starbucks orders that take longer to say than to drink; a deep-seated rage that flares up whenever you see Maya, your coworker, laughing or when someone breathes near you on the 4 train; and fear of disappointing some paternal figure who abandoned you in one way or another. You’re constantly on the phone or picking up someone’s call or dialing someone’s number or texting someone’s Skype when you’d really prefer to communicate by iMessage. Lunch shmunch; you’ll eat the pages of your autographed copy of Lean In if you have to.
Will you die alone? Um, hello — have you seen any rom com ever? Unless you run into some goofy, freewheeling Ryan Reynolds-type in the mailroom who’ll teach you how life is nothing without a man or madcap adventures or a man or getting drunk and singing Warrant at karaoke OR A MAN, your fallopian tubes are going to crumble and trickle out of you like sand in an hourglass. You better stock up on the Turkish delight now, Ice Queen, cause your life is The Witch and the Wardrobe Stuffed With Skirt Suits and Nude Pantyhose and you’re DYING ALONE. (And yes, obviously your only options are to end up in a heterosexual relationship with a man or die alone; I mean, what else is there?)
If you got mostly B’s…
You’re a hustler, baby, and you don’t want anyone to know because if they did, they’d probably realize that you’ve been swiping their soda from the kitchen fridge for the past four months. But we can’t even fault you for it (even though we’re pretty sure that you finished our salad) — you’ve figured out a way of surviving and maintaining a full stomach every day even in this cruel, economically recessed world. You like to think of the office as an unending buffet; as a result, your lunch is an amalgam of other peoples’ lunches, the Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte of meals. You’re probably going to grow up to be the kind of woman who pockets sugar packets from diners and does laps around the mall food court. So, in short, you’re going to grow up to be exactly like my mother. Congratulations; she’s a marvelous woman.
Will you die alone? Well, no one had a crush on Winona Ryder after she was busted for shoplifting. No, I don’t care what your friends on Tumblr say; no self-respecting man wants to catch his lady red-handed. He only wants to catch you pants-handed (meaning he wants your hands down his pants). Let’s say you were able to curb your pilfering — what then? Do you know what men hate? Women with needs. That’s DISGUSTING to them. They would prefer it if you were a sex robot who only responded to the commands “make me a sammich” and “let’s do some sex.” So, the sad fact is, even if you stop stealing your eats, you are still eating, and that’s kind of a bummer for dudes everywhere. Unless you learn how to photosynthesize and start wearing sensible shoes that won’t make you whine about your big toe the entire date, you’re looking at a future of bicycles
built deconstructed into unicycles because you are the most single of singles and you’re going to DIE ALONE.
If you got mostly C’s…
Namaste, Sister Crustless! (We’re really big fans of Night Ranger…so sue us.) How’s that “gluten intolerance” going, nudge nudge wink wink? Yeah, our anything-other-than-a-Chipotle-burrito-bowl intolerance is at an all time high, thanks for asking! You believe that lunch feeds mind, body, soul, and paternalistic western beauty standards so you’ve been on a juice cleanse ever since you graduated from being a 100% kid to being a 100% bundle of fears and insecurities. Your body is a temple — but not the kind of temple that Elizabeth Gilbert visits; it’s more like the Shadow Temple in Ocarina of Time, filled with torture devices and frustrating puzzles. You talk a lot about “raw foods,” what your body is “telling you,”and how our “caveman ancestors” ate. Sometimes we think we hear you purposefully swallowing a lot of air in-between sentences, as if that will make you less hungry. Girl, you are a well-oiled machine and we can’t hold it against you. We think you’re beautiful, in a James Blunt/Bruno Mars/One Direction sort of way — which is the best, nay, THE ONLY way.
Will you die alone? Didn’t you hear — guys like girls who eat real food. I mean, don’t get it twisted, girlfriend; guys don’t want a woman who looks like she eats real food but you do have to participate in the charade — order a hamburger, laugh when he says “I’m so glad you didn’t order a salad,” respond with an exaggerated outburst about how much you LOVE food, cut the burger into smaller and smaller piece so it looks like you actually ate it — otherwise where’s the magic? You don’t want to remind your potential beau that there is a hegemonic system of oppression controlling how you view your body. It’s kind of a buzzkill. In short, you’re a woman, which means you’re flawed ERGO IPSO FACTO SCIENTIFIC DEDUCTION, you’re DYING ALONE.
If you got mostly D’s…
You’re the worst kind of bro! Life is great, isn’t it? Keep on living the dream!
Will you die alone? Absolutely not! You’re a man! You’ll probably die in the midst of an orgasm while surrounded by a whole bevy of beauties, all of whom don’t nag you and think you’re the strongest, manliest man in all the world! Go ahead and leave work early. You deserve it.