According to Tom Junod of Esquire magazine, women reach their prime sexiness at different ages every year. What’s the magic number for 2014? Apparently, 42-year-olds are all the rage. Needless to say, I’m pissed. There’s a huge demographic of women that are being completely overlooked, not only by Junod, but by society at large.
For far too long, ghosts, skeletons, and otherworldly creatures have been body shamed into thinking that they’re not mainstream enough to be sexy. They have been told that they should put some meat on their exposed bones, or that they should cover up the fat brains oozing from their skull. Well, I say, enough! Everyone deserves to feel beautiful.
In honor of the body positive movement, I’ve decided to highlight the top five women over the age of 150 who are still managing to keep it tight. (Potentially because they are literally just skin and bone. But I digress.)
Hottie # 1: Joan of Arc (Born 1412)
Joan is our oldest lady on the list, charting in at a whopping 602 years old. Sure, she has maggots coming out of her eyes, but you can still see from their thigh bones that she had wicked legs back in the day.
Hottie # 2: Queen Victoria (Born 1819)
Any woman with an era named after her has to have a slammin’ bod. At least, that’s what I’ve heard. There aren’t exactly pictures, but those oil portraits really did her justice.
Hottie # 3: Emily Dickinson (Born 1830)
Most of Emily Dickinson’s over 2,000 poems were published after she died. People were paying paying so much attention to her because she got uber hot post-mortem.
Hottie # 4: Harriet Beecher Stowe (Born 1811)
What’s sexier than a smart, amazing writer? A smart, amazing writer with penetrating eyes and lustrous hair. Harriet Beecher Stowe had all of that, and more. Of course, since Instagram didn’t exist at the time, all we can go off of is rumors.
Hottie # 5: Elizabeth Cady Stanton (Born 1815)
Elizabeth Cady Stanton fought for women’s rights, but she didn’t have to work very hard to be sexy. We bet that underneath that buttoned up collar is a sexy ass neck. We won’t go any farther than that– we want to be respectful, after all.
Everyone deserves to feel like they’re worthy of love, whether their heart is still beating or not. Check out thebodypositive.org to learn more.
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