It was reported this week that Amanda Smith, a 23 year old New York City resident, is attempting to distance herself from Beyoncé. Sources claim that Smith wants to focus on other things in her life, such as raising a family, and that the music is preventing her from doing so.
“It’s not that I don’t love Queen Bey,” Smith said while flipping through the pages of a maternity magazine. “It’s just that her sexually aggressive songs make it hard for me to think about getting my Masters.” At that moment, “Drunk in Love” came on the radio. Smith immediately stood up, ripped off her robe to reveal a sparkly dress, and tore New York Family Magazine in half. Tears streaming down her face, she began to twerk aggressively and cried out, “This is what Bey does to me!”
Smith has allegedly been a die-hard Queen Bey fan ever since March of 2007, when she underwent a particularly tough breakup. “I needed something to remind me of my fierceness, and that something was Beyonce,” Smith explained. “But now, I’d like to tone down my fab-ittude a little bit. I mean, how many soccer moms wear studded leather bikinis to scrimmages?”
Amanda’s obsession with Sasha Fierce became particularly concerning when she was overheard screaming “Who run the world? Girls!” and “Bow down, bitches!” before a very important board meeting. Older, less Bey-positive staff members were affronted by the outburst.
At press time, Ms. Smith was seen poorly knitting a scarf while attempting to stop herself from doing the “put a ring on it” dance.