We’re having trouble waiting for the official 8:00pm ET start time (read: we’re having trouble waiting an extra hour to kick off our elaborately planned drinking games), so we’re going to go ahead and jump right into out 71st Annual Golden Globes live blog starting with Red Carpet coverage. Follow along, and the love of god, at least stay on pace with those schnockered celebs at Hollywood’s drunkest awards night.
(7:01pm ET): Matt. Lauer. Those. Sunglasses.
(7:15pm ET): Kerri Washington’s visible bellybutton outline is the real star of her baby bump.
(7:22pm ET): Can we nominate Julianna Margulies for Best Décolletage? Is that a thing?
(7:40pm ET): Ohthankgod. Lauer removed his eyewear during that commercial break.
(7:58pm ET): Yes, Savannah. You’re doing that hand on hip pose correctly. Now let the professionals step in.
(8:00pm ET): THINGS ARE HAPPENING. Wait, already an outfit change for Tina and Amy? How is that possible?
(8:02pm ET): Tina Fey’s makeup is retroactively curing my teenhood acne right now. And Amy Poehler looks better in a high neckline than any woman on the planet.
(8:05pm ET): Oh good, Matt Lauer loaned Julia Louis-Dreyfus his sunglasses for that bit.
(8:13pm ET): Alright, J-Law. In spite of the fact that you clearly stole that award, your speech was a decent blend of rehearsed and awkwardly falling apart. We’ll take it.
(8:15pm ET): Oh, Jacqueline Bisset! Use your words, sweetie. It’s okay!
(8:17pm ET): Slow clap to the control room for that bleeping of everything but the actual S-bomb Jacqueline just dropped.
(8:27pm ET): Real clap for properly bleeping Elisabeth Moss’s S-bomb! Also, we’re sorry that no one else knew how to get you down to the podium, either. On the bright side, you’re giving the kind of goth-lite realness which future Peggy Olsen could only dream of pulling off.
(8:35pm ET): No costume change? It’s been 35 minutes, ladies. Get it together.
(8:36pm ET): Graceful save, Jonah Hill. Two snaps for you.
(8:39pm ET): All the gentlemen in the Best Actor in a Drama Series category have such twinkly eyes!
(8:43pm ET): YES YES YES, BITCH. Thanks for that obvious set-up, Vince Gilligan. We love you, anyway, and we’ll miss you…bitch.
(8:50pm ET): Alex Ebert is rocking the “every dude in your donation-based yoga class” up-do. But “thanks for letting me try all over your movie” is a great line.
(9:05pm ET): Does anyone know where Olivia Wilde ends and where heaven begins?
(9:08pm ET): Okay, can American Hustle just win a blanket Globe for Best Campaigning and stop stealing all the real awards?
(9:15pm ET): Randy Fey is the hottest lesbian at The Golden Globes. There. We said it.
(9:18pm ET): Oof, Robin Wright. Did no one do a quick pasty check on you before your category came up? Ah, well. We guess it’s better than an actual nip slip.
(9:22pm ET): Ladies and gentlemen, we now live in a world where Jordan Catalano has won a Golden Globe Award. Sadly, it’s for acting and not for leaning real great.
(9:28pm ET): Emma Thompson looks how we feel right now.
(9:29pm ET): Spike Jonze wins for Actually Deserving The Award He Won. Congratulations, Spike Jonze.
(9:31pm ET): A reverent moment of silence, please, for Amy Jellicoe.
(9:40pm ET): Okay, while they’re doing the foreign categories for films no one has seen, can we go back to discussing Amy Poehler in drag?
(9:45pm ET): Melissa “Matt Damon” McCarthy and Jimmy Fallon win for second most successful bit of the night. (After Amy Poehler in drag.)
(9:57pm ET): Ugh, Dark Hair Daenerys, you’re so confusing to us!
(9:59pm ET): Amy Poehler finally taking it for Parks and Recreation might win Most Memorable Moment.
(10:07pm ET): Oh thank goodness, we were starving for a dapper woman to take the stage (besides Randy Fey). Thanks for doing the honors, Diane Keaton.
(10:20pm ET): DID WE JUST GO TO THE MICHAEL BAY PLACE? That was ballsy, Tina. Perhaps it was her flawless cherry red prom dress giving her the courage.
(10:22pm ET): Did anyone ever think that tomorrow morning we’d be saying “it was the night of Brooklyn Nine-Nine“?
(10:28pm ET): Leo takes his Golden Globes speech to an awkward degree of seriousness because he’ll never get to make one at the Oscars.
(10:39pm ET): American Hustle might be the most overhyped film of 2013, but having Megan Ellison on stage with a Golden Globe in her hand for the second year in a row is a huge deal on multiple levels.
(10:50pm ET): Dallas Buyers Club has now earned a Golden Globe for both Jordan Catalano and the man who once said in a film “that’s what I love about these high school chicks, man; I get older, they stay the same age.” I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.
(10:59pm ET): Two hours and 59 minutes. Well done, kids. Go get a slice of pizza.