8 Ways to Ensure You Do Not Become a Cat, Lady


A lot of great women have inadvertently become cats: Diana Ross, Catra, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Here’s how to protect yourself.

1. Never make prolonged and sustained eye contact with a cat, be it domestic or wild. If a cat attempts to look into your eyes, pluck them out (using magicked tweezers or the edge of a Vanessa Williams CD) and throw them from you. It is better for thee to enter into life with no eyes, rather than turn into a cat and have to explain that to your boss. Also, the cat will view your disembodied eyes as an offering and bandy them around for a half-hour, giving you plenty of time to escape. Unless the cat knocks the eyes under a large piece of furniture, then the cat will never leave you alone.

2. If you are scratched by a cat, immediately repeat these words aloud, to no one in particular, although witnesses should be present to heighten the incantation’s affect: “It wasn’t the cat’s fault; the cat was just playing. All cats are just playing. We are the players who can’t play with the cats.”

3. If bitten by a cat, you must retaliate by biting offending cat before the rise of a new sun. If the cats bites you while you are biting it, you must maintain your hold on the cat, and so on, until you and cat join together in some sad version of an ouroboros.

4, When you come across a sleeping cat, you must pluck a whisker from its muzzle without disturbing its slumber. If the cat wakes before you escape, you will be unable to rid your nasal passages of the smell of old trout for an entire year.

5. Cats are known to sit on a sleeping human’s chest in order to prepare the body as a receptacle for a cat spirit. To protect your slumbering form, build a cat catcher with twine, crumpled paper balls, empty cardboard boxes, and your favorite sweaters and mount it above your bed. Do not include that new toy or scratching post that you bought from Petco for an exorbitant amount of money. The cats don’t like that shit, the cats don’t want that shit.

6. If you make direct contact with any brand of wet food you have no choice but to amputate the tainted limb.

7. Never nap in a sunny spot, particularly a windowsill, a laptop keyboard, a nook, a cranny, a crevice, or on top of any furniture.

8. If Joyce Wildenstein, disguised as an old beggar, turns up on your doorstep asking for a night’s shelter, DO NOT TURN HER AWAY. Invite her in to sup, offer her seconds, demur when she attempts to wash the dishes, tell her that you just bought Private Benjamin on DVD which comes with over three-hours of special features and request that she join you in a Goldie Hawn-a-thon. If she leaves a mark on your door upon her departure, the spirit of the Cat will pass over your home.

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