I Went to a Blowjob Class So You Don’t Have to

Beej

If I seem wiser, it’s because I recently sat in on a blowjob class at Babeland.

It was called “The Art of The Blowjob,” but I wrote “The Effect of the Forward and Backward Movement of Women on the Status of Men,” because it sounded more impressive. To kick things off, two Babeland-trained sex educators made everyone yell “cock” and “balls” at them as an ice breaker, which didn’t make things any less weird. A fellatio workshop with 30 sober women and one guy is more awkward than your co-ed health class. Everyone laughs way too loud at the solid-but-not-that-good dick jokes.

The leaders were knowledgeable and had a tremendous amount of self-awareness. To model some HJ’s, one teacher strapped on a silver harness and a peach-colored dildo so the other could demonstrate. It was surprising to see how at ease the girl was with her new jiggly silicon penis, which she referred to as “my cock.” Both of them had a self-assurance that seemed to say “I’ve taken so many delicious loads in the throat, and it was the most healthy and beautiful thing.”

Here’s the thing about mind-blowing brain. According to Babeland, restraint is required.

You’re supposed to start with little squeezes up and down the shaft and ignore the head to keep him waiting. They recommend “starting global and then going local.” Girls who give great head have that in common with the people who give great TED talks.

After I thought the squeezing demo was over, one teacher launched into a passionate soliloquy about how male anatomy is similar to female anatomy. I caught none of this because I was fixated on the other teacher who was absentmindedly rolling her fingers across the lecturer’s fake wang. She was stopping at times, staring at the ceiling as she rubbed. She was probably thinking about what she’d have for dinner that night. The other teacher didn’t seem to notice the lapse in attention, because as she refused to accept, her cock wasn’t real.

The teachers encouraged the students to grope the bananas to get the muscle memory going so we’d remember everything in our new bag of dick tricks. At first, a grand total of three people actually did.

Here are a couple of true things everyone learned about blowjobs that night: balls aren’t really that sensitive, it’s better to use lube than saliva because spit just doesn’t cut it, and deep throating isn’t the most satisfying thing for a man.

For their most fun party trick, they taught the class how to slide a condom onto a “banana” using your mouth. The gorgeous teacher in a crop top modeled this with confidence and said, “I bet you look really hot with a dick in your mouth.” At that precise moment, no one looked remotely hot because putting a neon rubber in your mouth just makes you look like you’re blowing bubble gum bubbles.

When it was time for mouth moves, the teachers mounted the table. The teacher in the crop top assumed the doggy style position at her receiver’s feet. She combined the Tootsie Roll move with the Tootsie Pop move. (That is, she smacked her lips and made a popping sound on the tip while she massaged the shaft. It’s all about multi-tasking, they say.)

During the break, that teacher chose to have a lollipop. On her break from sucking.

One girl told her friend, “je vais pratiquer ce soir,” meaning she would practice that night. They corkscrewed the air together, throwing their heads back in laughter.

But there was at least one cynic.

“Some of this stuff probably doesn’t feel good, like that slap move,” another girl said.

“No, it does,” the only male quickly countered.

Both teachers said enthusiasm is key because it’s important to let the guy know how much you love sucking his dick. So when it’s taking a long time, if your receiver is someone you’re not that into, it helps to imagine his penis is a delicious popsicle stick with Cracker Jack prizes in the center. And if it’s someone you’re madly in love with, it helps to imagine his penis is a popsicle stick with Cracker Jack prizes in the center.

The teachers discussed the most common fear: gagging. They warned against ignoring your gag reflex because that’s there to protect you. Most of the best moves were at the tip or just up and down.

They mentioned that if you’re nervous, your throat will be tight, but if you stretch your neck up like a sword swallower, you’ll have an easier time. You can also lie down on your back and lean your head back over the edge of the bed. The teachers said don’t do this on the first date because it gives the person with the cock too much power. Loud, terrified laugh on that one.

There was a ton of product placement, and they recommended handcuffs and blindfolds because no man can push your head down when he’s wearing handcuffs.

During the brief Q&A, a girl asked about coconut oil, which you shouldn’t use because it breaks down condoms and harbors bacteria. Another woman asked how to keep your teeth out of “the situation,” and the answer was that a light tooth graze is cool. And if your receiver gets so overwhelmed that he can’t take it anymore, they suggest avoiding the head and tugging on the balls to delay the finish line.

I had new sympathy for bananas. Everyone either scurried out or eyed bottles of lube. Most left the abused bananas behind. (Bonus tip: If you don’t want to eat your practice banana, you can also use it make banana bread like Babeland does.)

Related Links:
Heidi Klum Gets Naked, Demonstrates Blowjob Technique for Allure

Generation XXX: Beyonce, Babeland, and the Mainstreaming of Sex Toys
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