The 5 Worst Vibrator Ideas in World History

Or 5 terrifying ways to orgasm.

Some things get better the more you mess around with them, but a vibrator is not a Planet Hillary New York Times Magazine cover. We’re all for classy soup-ups, the subtle Photoshops of the adult toy world, but sometimes you have to draw the line. And while that line is doubt different for every women, we’re pretty sure it is located far before you reach terrifying scorpions, your favorite childhood storybooks, or water that has exceeded 212 degrees fahrenheit.

See below for five ways to achieve orgasm if you can only do so via trauma.

1. The Alarm Clock Vibrator
The Wake-Up Vibe is the sex toy currently taking the internet by storm, promising to “make you glow all day long”. The only time it should ever be set for is 11am on a Sunday, lest you wish to to associate orgasms with the math problem alarm clock or your mother ripping off your duvet cover before school.
wake-up-vibe

2. Death by Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator
This product has now been discontinued because OBVIOUSLY. Or maybe they’re just waiting for the 11 Speed Naked Mole Rat Machete Vibrator to be released? We don’t know!
death-by-orgasm

3. Steampunk Vibrator
It runs on steam. STEAM. A gas that happens when water reaches over 212 degrees fahrenheit. Please get it away from me.
steampunk_vibrator

4. I Rub My Wormie
For the sexually adventurous preschooler? This just ruined The Very Hungry Caterpillar for me forever.
hero-wormie-2

5. Bad Vibes Talking Vibrator
This 7″ talking vibrator comes complete with a real man’s voice, which can say anything from “Mmm, you’re looking cute tonight honey” to ”Go away, I’ve got a headache”. I mean, angry sex is one thing, but even vibrators should know that no means no.
bad-vibes

Related links:
These High-Tech Panties Are Literally Orgasmic
Taylor Momsen is Bored with Men, Loves Her Vibrator

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