Today the Internet melted and congealed into one singular unending squee after the release of an out-of-character Stephen Colbert’s “Ask A Grown Man” video. And rightfully so — Colbert is charming and kind, his advice to Rookie Mag’s teen-aged readers is touchingly sincere, and his thick-framed glasses and flannel shirt makes us want to touch him. (Yes, it’s all very confusing and we’re not proud, but the gray area between “I Want You To Be Proud Of Me, Stand-In Father Figure” and “I Want You To Be Inside Of Me, Silver Fox” is our sexual orientation.) If you haven’t seen the video yet, check it out below:
We were right, right? He just single-handedly proved, in one video, that he deserves everyone’s adoration, not to mention the Late Show gig. In “Ask a Grown Man”, various celebrities, like Colbert and, prior to that, Seth Rogan, play agony aunt, dishing advice to the lot of hopeful, creative, scared, curious, and/or lovelorn teens that frequent Rookie every month. Understandably, the series is a breeding ground of adorable and poignant and ultimately unmissable moments. Since you are just a small town girl livin’ in a lonely world, taking the midnight train to Chipotle, you can’t possibly watch every video in the series.* Allow us to present a selection of some of the finest grown man advice from some of the foinest (note the difference?) grown men in Hollywood.
*We know you can. We saw your “I’m watching all of Breaking Bad in one weekend! BRING ON THE UTIs!” live-tweets and we admire your stamina. Just work with us on this one, okay?
Grown Man: Jon Hamm
We all knew this was going to make the list, right? How could you not want to watch Jon Hamm and Jon Hamm’s five o’clock shadow share their — I imagine they confer on things — thoughts on lady farts?
Most Important Takeaway: “Don’t define yourself by who wants to get with you.”
Grown Man: Hannibal Buress
If you have any sense (which we know you do &mash; you are reading this post after all), Hannibal Buress would be your favorite takeaway from Broad City. Buress is a divine amalgamation of stoner humor and smarts. In his “Ask a Grown Man” installment, he provides his own theme song and gets distracted by Photo Booth’s effects button. It’s just perfect!
Most Important Takeaway: “Go on that person’s Facebook page and see if they have some interests. If they don’t have interests, you shouldn’t talk to that person. What kind of person doesn’t have interests?”
Grown Man: Paul Rudd
Listening to Our Dream Boyfriend Paul Rudd give advice is like finding the Golden Fleece, throwing it into a blender with some club soda, liquifying it, and pouring the Golden Fleece spritzer into your ear….which doesn’t sound pleasant, come to think of it, because, just, believe me, it is!
Most Important Takeaway: “You would find that there are also many men, who you would consider men, who actually are still boys…the line is getting longer and longer. You just gotta hope for the right one.”
Grown Man: Ira Glass
Ira Glass makes a balloon dog and talks about blow jobs. That is everything you need to know.
Most Important Takeaway: “You don’t have to worry about being a buzzkill. The prospect of getting to have sex with a girl is so fantastically exciting for a guy, for any boy, that anything that is going to get them to that goal — you can ask them for anything at that point. It’s kind of a classic thing: you could just pretty much ask for anything and you’d get it. So just act like Of course I have a condom. Here’s where we’re going. We’re doing this right now. Here’s what’s going to happen next. If you act like ‘of course’ it’s going to be like “of course.’”
Grown Man: Jimmy Fallon
Jimmy Fallon has the face of the boy you were irrevocably in love with for all of middle school and the heart of the boy who lived across the street from you and came over to watch Dawson’s Creek after school and didn’t make fun of you when Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” made you cry and always remembered your birthday and made you laugh and laughed at your dumb fart jokes and was so clearly in love with you but didn’t mind that you were too blinded by the eight grade soccer team to notice because he just wanted to hang out with you, the one whom you noticed when it was way too late and he was already spending multiple reps of seven minutes in heaven with Dana Werner. Asking him to advise girls on flirting with shy boys and the signs of being in like-like just makes sense.
Most Important Takeaway: “Your friend isn’t better or prettier — you made that up. You’re making that thing so don’t make that a thing. You are pretty and you are interesting and you are cool.”
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