ANTM: What Happens When Models Try To Rollerskate

by Lindsay Mannering | 12:13 pm, October 28th, 2010

If you guys are smelling something funky right now and scratching your shins—that would be my bad. Kendall, bless her Alabaman heart, made us go to Times Square to see the sites. She was really impressed by the rotating lobster, the green spaces, and the AMC flagship. Needless to say, we’re now greasy, smelly, and bed-bug carriers. Gah! Damn you, Kendall and your sense of adventure! Anyway, the 20,000 of us (that’s me, Kendal and the buggies) just finished watching episode eight and we’re ready to recap, starting… now!

In what would be my worst nightmare, Miss J. barges into the models’ house and announces that, Eek! They’re going to be in a fashion show today! Then in what would be my dream come true, Zac Posen bops out from behind the corner and announces that the fashion show the girls will walk in is his! (He is so adorable I’d like to keep him in my pocket-book and carry him around all day.)

They’ll be strutting their stuff in the Fall 2010 Z. Spoke fashion show with professional models and in a professional setting. Miss J. compounds the issue by encouraging the pro models to be “mean girls” to the ANTM cast; he wants his girls so to see how unkind professional modeling can be. I didn’t see anyone vomit or eat a cotton ball, so I guess his examples could’ve been worse.

The models (try to) work the runway and some shine and some trip. Ann and Esther were both awkward messes; Jane, Chelsey, and Chris looked the part. The challenge winner was Chelsey, and she gets to chose five outfits from Posen’s Z. Spoke collection. So jeal.

The next morning, the girls are minding their own bee’s wax when BAM! Another Jay crashes the pad. This time it’s Mr. Jay and Nigel, no Zac. They cheerfully announce that it’s challenge day and girl, it’s a doozey. The models will act in a commercial spot advertising fictional H2T Energy Water. They’ll be on roller skates, and there’s a kiss at the end of the scene. BAM! BAM! The hits keep on coming.

Let’s get to the heart of the matter: two girls cry before the shooting begins. Ann and Kayla. Ann is terrified that she’ll fall (I think, scientifically speaking, on roller skates Ann’s about 17 feet tall). Kayla, in a very real and very sad moment, reveals to Mr. Jay that she’s uncomfortable being intimate with men because she was sexually abused as an eleven-year old. Mr. Jay is able to comfort her and push her to deal with this issue in therapy. Solid advice, Mr. Jay. Solid.

I’m actually surprised that no one else cried pre-shoot based on the abomination that is this commercial. I’m sorry, but nearly everyone sucks hard, don’t they? I know it looks easy from my couch, but sheesh this challenge is painful to watch.

The judges, including Zac Posen, review the commercials and I’ll be danged if Nigel wasn’t holding back laughter the entire time. To his credit, Ann’s take is hilarious. Big tree fall hard. And fall it sure does. But Nigel makes a point that if she owns her awkwardness, she would be completely endearing. Fear, on the other hand, is not endearing. Ann needs to gain confidence so that Zac will put her in an enormous finale dress. #MyDreamForAnn.

The judges like Jane’s take—she has a great smile and great commerciality. Posen thinks she’ll be able to sell beauty, but could do better if she could incorporate the fierceness of her face into a model attitude. Kayla gets high marks from Tyra for looking urban and relatable. Her makeup and her ability to walk the fine line between high-fashion and catalog make her a desirable hire. Chelsey’s take isn’t bad, just a little rigid. Posen comments that he could put her in make-up and a dress and feel confident about her performance on the runway. Go Chelsey! Maybe that gap Tyra drilled between your teeth is paying off.

Esther was a mess in everyway, says Posen. Nigel calls her forgettable and boring. It’s too bad because I think Esther has the most beautiful face of all the contestants, but models need to have more. Chris, loveable Chris, has the best commercial take and is fun, energetic, comfortable, and easy to watch. Posen wants to roller skate with her, and so do I. While it was far from perfect, Chris’s take shows the most potential. Go Chris! Not surprisingly, Chris gets performance of the week and Jane gets runner-up. Ann and Esther are in the bottom two.

The verdict? Out, out, out with Esther. Sigh. Esther, I love you. And it’s not because of your huge boobs and your to-die-for-eyebrows (ok, maybe a little). But Esther, you just couldn’t cut the mustard. No personality means no way you’re gonna be on top. So come stay with me for a while and lick your wounds. We’ll compare your breast size to Tyra’s and blog about it, then go get some awesome sandwiches. Just a regular ole Monday, if you ask me.