Hello. I Am Karl Lagerfish.

by Karl Lagerfish | 5:45 pm, May 18th, 2010

I am Karl Lagerfish. I am an artist, a designer of clothing, and recent transplant to this fishbowl in the so-called offices of Styleite. I’m dictating this post to my assistant, Pablo, because the imbeciles here lost my fax machine in the move. How am I supposed to communicate with Anna Fintour now? I miss Paris. New York is far to bourgeois for me. Also, they just fed me fish food. Fish food? Phooey. Get me my Coca Light!

I’d apologize for my appearance — I think that is what people are supposed to do upon arriving in a new city, fresh from a move, and in the middle of a torrential downpour: apologize — but I know I look fabulous. There are some ugly, horrible people in this office, which is why I’ve requested they be removed from my view. I much prefer to look at quilted pink leather.

I suspect this fish food will be detrimental to my figure. I hereby refuse to eat it. Did no one hear my request for Coca Light? The staff here is useless. Pablo, fire them.

Since I can’t stand to be idle — idle people are boring idiots and I refuse to be a boring idiot — I will be consulting with Styleite on some of their content. There are so many poor, ugly people in this world who would benefit from my vast lore of knowlege and so, in between photoshoots — I have one scheduled with Baptiste Guppyconi next week, followed by a music video for Beth Minnow, I am very busy you know — I will share some thoughts of which I deem you worthy enough to absorb.

In the meantime, I am bored by this dictation. Pablo, please post this.