If You’ve Ever Wanted To Imagine Tyra Banks Giving Birth…

by Verena von Pfetten | 3:06 pm, October 12th, 2010

Smize expert and model mogul Tyra Banks is the subject of a relatively short profile on The Guardian’s website today, and though it appears to be pegged to the UK premiere of America’s Next Top Model’s Cycle 14, the only point of the piece seems to be an exercise in how insultingly the author can describe Ms. Banks. The author, Julia Raeside, goes so far as to describe Banks’ birthing of the franchise as a “braying and growling” affair which culminated with the expulsion of said idea from her “fundament.” Which is apparently another word for vagina. Wait, what?

This is the first paragraph:

America’s Next Top Model has returned to UK screens – and with it the woman who spawned this ever-growing beast of a franchise, Tyra Banks. She probably literally did squat down one day, braying and growling, until the fully formed idea emerged wailing from her fundament. She’s that kind of woman.

Are we the only people for whom said description brings up an image of that weird Britney Spears birthing sculpture? (And if so, apologies for the visual.) Also: fundament? No amount of googling could turn up a similar use of the word. Anyone? Bueller?

(Update: A helpful commenter points out that one of fundament’s definitions on Wikipedia is “The part of the body upon which one sits; the buttocks; specifically, the anus.” Um. Okay then!)

Anyway, there really isn’t much else to the piece, but if you’re in the mood for a few more animalistic bon mots, here you go. The emphasis, naturally, is ours.

She usually makes her entrance in dramatic fashion and barely takes a breath before the eye-boggling, eyelash fluttering and howling begins.

…For a woman who appears to have a full-blown hurricane permanently roaring in her brain – it’s all in there, the Wicked Witch, a bicycle, some bits of old barn – Banks makes for amazing viewing. It’s often hard to tell what’s going on behind the eyes, but boy does she know how to put on a show.

…The entrances usually get madder every year so I was expecting Tyra, wrapped head-to-toe in tinfoil, sat astride a flaming space rocket as the two J’s danced around her dressed as little satellites. Maybe next year. Anything is possible with this pouting, roaring paragon of womanly beauty.

The end.

Tyra’s back: America’s Next Top Model returns to the UK [The Guardian.]

america's next top model Tyra Banks tyra banks guardian profile

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