STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WATCH THIS. THIS IS A THING OF BEAUTY AND IMPORTANCE.
Being a lady on the Internet isn’t all empowering and inspirational Twitter hashtags, leaving comments on old Eartha Kitt videos, and panic scrolling through WebMD articles that assure you an ingrown hair on your thigh doesn’t count as herpes simplex 2: there is a whole multitude of anxieties and dangers that a web-saavy gurl 2.0.com must navigate. Yes, there are rape threats; death threats; kidnapping threats; cybersecurity threats; threats of telling your mom that you’ve been frequenting chatrooms pretending to be Celine Dion’s younger, more talented sister (again); rape suggestions; rape inceptions; rape pledges; a whole party platter of different, offensive ways to use the word “rape.” As the sage and shining Dolly Parton sings in “9 to 5″, which is just a jangly, countrified version of the Communist Manifesto if you ask me, “it’s enough to drive you crazy, if you let it….there’s a better life.” Comrade Dolly is right — there is a better life, one that involves wearing fringe on every appendage, owning an eponymous family theme park, and watching the woman who taught you to grab life by the rhinestones dump ice water on her head.
While we have been pretty open about our disdain for ice bucket challenges, even we couldn’t turn a blind (with snark) eye to Dolly Parton’s take. Hearing her call out Kenny Rodgers — can someone embroider “You’d be surprised at all I do with my falseness” on a pillow for us? — and joke about her plastic shoes is the perfect panacea for this incredibly rough, incredibly dark summer. Dolly, you sure are a fucking gem!
This Is Not a Drill: Dolly Parton Played ‘Yakety Sax’ at Glastonbury on a Tiny Bedazzled Saxophone
WATCH: Donatella Versace’s Ice Bucket Challenge Wants to Skin You and Wear You Like Last Year’s Versace
WATCH: Amy Schumer Ruins Herself in Perfect Response to Idiotic Ice Bucket Challenge