10 Things to Declare Independence From This July 4th

If you lost sight of your resolutions by the time February rolled around, don’t sweat it. July 4th is really the day for declaring independence, so rather than show your Murrcahh love with a pair of flag-printed jorts, why not celebrate the way our forefathers would approve of — by saying goodbye to sideboob. It’s all about dadcore and pelvage now anyway.

1. Your holey socks. 
You’ve done the math — it’s cheaper to throw a three-pack of new ankle socks from Duane Reade in with your soda than it is to actually do laundry. Declare yourself independent from poor toe circulation and give your sock drawer a much-needed clean out.

2. Racist headwear
Festival season might be in full swing, but don’t be one of “those girls” (aka Alessandra Ambrosio.) Declare yourself independent from accidental racism

3. Donut buns
You know what’s more flattering than a donut top bun? An actual donut worn in your hair. These might be gluten free, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re trendy. Why you would want to look like your hair got the “bagel head” procedure?

4. Designer pun tees. 
Most jokes don’t get funnier every time you hear/see them, including these t-shirts.

5. Artisanal oats. 
Newsflash: Intricately arranging chia seeds and 11 different kinds of fruit on your instant Quakers doesn’t make them gourmet. Or delicious.

6. Avocado Toast
If it wasn’t for the Amaro filter you’d be cooking for bae.

7. Sideboob.
“Been there, done that” — your boobs. Sideboob is alterna-cleavage for basic bitches — it’s all about pelvage now.

8. Underbutt.
On that note, July 5th is also the official day to free your jorts from underbutt.

9. Arm parties. 
Sometimes it’s more cool to not score an invite.

10. Sweatshops.
We know, we know — sometimes it’s 110 degrees, you stupidly wore a furry t-shirt, and the lure of two flimsy tank tops for less than the price of your lunch is all too strong. But with all the awesome ethical options around these days, let’s shopping brands that only do damage to one thing — our bank accounts.

Related links:
Here Is Another Contender for World’s Worst Swimsuit
How to Seamlessly Transition from Beach Wear to Evening Wear
5 Alternative Beach Reads to Really Isolate Yourself With This Summer

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