What do you give the loser who has everything? Orgasm shots and portion control plates, apparently.
What do you give the person who has everything? Distinctive Assets, the marketing firm in charge of creating those coveted Oscar gift bags, faces this conundrum yearly — which is why they might be getting desperate for ideas. For every swanky trip to Africa there is a terrible gift that makes you wonder WTF they were thinking. We have taken it upon ourselves to find the most bizarre products to be given to our favorite Oscar losers. As if if missing out on the award wasn’t bad enough…
The O-Shot (You know, the Orgasm Shot)
No one can get over this year’s swag. Thanks to Dr. Charles Runels, female Oscar nominees can have a little vagina rejuvenation on the house. Celebs can look forward to the doc drawing their blood, separating out the platelets, and injecting them inside their vagina, right near the clitoris. Yes! Yes! Yes! But seriously, how do you regift that?
Distinctive Assets should have been packaged the O-Shot with last year’s six pack of Naked Condoms because that would have made sense.
This year’s male nominees are probably hoping that they lose so they can get ARTAS Robotic Hair Transplant surgery, which sounds almost as fun as the O-Shot.
2014’s most romantic gift has to be the Mace Brand His and Her Pepper Guns valued at $120. Nothing says “I love you” more than simultaneously dousing the paparazzi with Mace. The couple that sprays together, stays together. These people don’t have body guards to protect them or anything…
The generous Dr. Runel also gave freebie Vampire Facelifts for the 2013 Oscar bag. This gift is so great it literally brought Kim Kardashian to tears.
The total price of last year’s gift bag was at a five year low, and it showed. Stars were given some Windex, a Gleener fuzz remover, and a Leeza Gibbons self help book. People have gotten better gifts at office holiday parties and that isn’t saying much.
2012 was the year of sanitation thanks to a goody bag filled with Purell Instant Hand Sanitizer (with its own gold and crystal-bejeweled jelly sleeve!) and NOZIN Nasal Sanitizer, probably to keep the nostrils clear after hours of crying.
The only thing worse than losing in 2011 was being gifted The Kim Kardashian Signature Watch Collection by The Brissmor Company. Let’s recap. Not only did they not win an Oscar, but then they had to have their assistants hawk a watch that was designed by a reality star.
The MVP of the swag bag has to be Slimware‘s “stylish portion control plates.” Stars were given these at least three times that we can find. First of all, these plates are hideous (but that might be a part of the “portion consciousness” design? This freebie is basically saying, “Losing weight is the road to an Oscar…”
In 2010 nominees were gifted an $8,800 “surgery to clear up red eye” from Boxer Wachler, and Prevennia, a pill which claims to prevent breast cancer.
Finally, there are no words to describe our favorite wacky gift, so thank God there is a video. How many times do you think Meryl Streep‘s face has been put on The Pig Board?