Coachella has just announced its lineup for April 2014, when over 100,000 people will converge upon the Indio desert to turn its arid soil into a muddy stew of squashed headdress remnants, palm fronts and empty coke baggies over two consecutive weekends. Not that the lineup is an incentive to attend anyway, since the only way to get at ticket is to buy it five years in advance as part of a hotel package deal that costs more than your monthly rent, but it’s pretty exciting to have it confirmed that Muse is headlining yet again! Yay! And Arcade Fire? Who hates those guys?
As someone who has been to Coachella before, I can personally attest that there is only one event that’s easier to simultaneously love and loathe — Fashion Week. You’ll run into the same kinds of Instagram celebrities, hit up the same parties at various outposts of the Ace Hotel, get blisters in the same places and even hear the same music. Granted Coachella takes place in a dessert and Fashion Week you can’t buy GA tickets for (yet), but once you’re past security they’re essentially the same thing. Where else can you can bump into a Port-A-Potty and a Hilton sister in the space of 45 seconds? Hear us out:
1. People dress for the sole purpose of being shot by street-style photographers.
Or worse, street-style photographers who pose instead of taking photos.
2. Most people aren’t even sure exactly what they’re there to see in the first place.
3. There are prohibition-era regulations on drinking alcohol close to any source of fun.
But you’ll still somehow find yourself situated next to this guy.
4. Organizing your schedule is a non-winnable test of logistics and relationships.
And even if you manage to sort out a timetable, you’re guaranteed to miss everything you’re most looking forward to.
By 10pm you’ll be glad most people aren’t using them for their intended purpose.
6. Hilton sisters will inexplicably appear out of nowhere.
7. Racist headwear runs rampant.
8. So many parties
It makes sense that all the celebrity DJs have to pretend they’re there for a reason, but why do they start at 2am??
9. Your iPhone battery will die faster than your soul.
10. Having attended either event in the past makes you automatically a better person.
And you are also required to wax lyrical about the “good old days” to every Coachella/Fashion Week virgin you encounter.
11. The people closest to the action are only witnessing it through their iPhone screens.
Or worse, their full-size iPads.
12. The smaller acts are better than the headliners.
But they get all the worst time slots.
13. You will not eat solid food for 95% of the event and then trek five miles to a greasy diner for what will turn out to be the best meal you’ve ever eaten in your life.
14. You can’t wait to do it all again next season.
It’s the event version of cry-laughing!