It was the summer of 2005. Vertical stripe flare pants were still being sold outside of the Salvation Army, Mischa Barton was relevant, and the cupcake craze was in full swing. There were cupcake tours, where tourists waited in lines all across the city to get doped up on disproportionate icing-to-cake ratios. Dying cake batter red and assaulting it with cream cheese was thought to be revolutionary.
By 2011, flares were dead and dip dyed everything was having its way with fashion. But cupcakes still refused to die. They were literally blowing up, with Crumbs selling their flavorless, too-sweet monsters for twice the price of a falafel sandwich and social media making the craze more visible than ever. It seemed we might forever be subject to a life of shitty cake batter masked by even shittier frosting. In 2013, the year of the power brow, the cupcake bubble was said to be bursting. And today Crumbs finally nailed shut its own coffin, signifying the death of the cupcake fad. Cupcakes, once cool, are now for people who tweet about pumpkin spice lattes and have inspirational quotes in their email signatures. They’re the peplums of the dessert world — impractical, dated, and acceptable only on TV show reruns.
To celebrate the cupcake’s demise and the release of its sordid grasp on the fashion set, here are 8 other annoying food trends and their sartorial equivalents.
1. Annoying food: Macarons.
Fashion trend equivalent: Berets. If you must do French then do with nonchalant just-had-sex hair, not tacky dehydrated desserts.
2. Annoying food: Avocado toast.
Fashion trend equivalent: Nike Flyknits worn with skinny jeans. Half-assed health-consciousness for the masses.
3. Annoying food: Froyo.
Fashion trend equivalent: Arm parties. I want an invite to this even less than I do one to Chad White’s 30th birthday beach bash at Fire Island’s Sip & Twirl.
4. Annoying food: In ‘n’ Out burger.
Fashion trend equivalent: American flag print jorts. The vaguely artisanal version of one of the worst parts about the United States.
5. Annoying food: BluePrint cleansing juices.
Fashion trend equivalent: High-end athleticism. Appearing to an overtly snobby demographic which uses the phrase “après sport” both liberally and non-ironically.
6. Annoying food: Giant jars of Nutella.
Fashion trend equivalent: Junk food fashion. As far as we can tell no calories are being consumed, and it’s mass production at its most acceptable.
7. Annoying food: Donuts.
Fashion trend equivalent: Donut buns. In the words of donut O.G. Homer Simpson, “duh.”
8. Annoying food: Basic soft serve with sprinkles.
Fashion trend equivalent: Studded pleather motorcycle jackets. They’re so cheap you can afford to buy one every day, but when it’s hot they melt too quickly for you actually enjoy them.
9. Annoying food: Oatmeal bowls.
Fashion trend equivalent: Outfit grids. I don’t care how much of a morning person you are — anyone who spends this long organizing a photo before work is an embarrassment to the human race.
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