I’ve been sitting here all week waiting for Hurricane Makeover to hit land. I have splinters from boarding up the windows. I have 20 gallons of bottled water sitting in my living room and just as many cans of kidney beans. I’m wearing a life vest, and trust me, orange is not my color. Here I sit.
But nooooooo, false alarm! No Hurricane! No need for panic! Just clear blue skies with one or two little itty-bitty model-tear raindrops. Just enough to give the flowers a drink of water so that they may grow to be strong, independent daisies.
Tyra, what gives? You’ve given us yet another benign episode. And it was the makeover episode at that! Another “example” for the “kids”. Another actual “look” into the “modeling industry.” Girl, have you lost your edge?
Episode three of Cycle 15 is a letdown. It is. So crack open a can of beans, help yourself to a bottle of water, loosen that life vest and let’s review.
Tyra shows up to the house dressed as a 1930s newspaper boy. Extra! Extra! She takes a self-guided tour of the models’ bedrooms, and like any guest in someone else’s personal space, Tyra asks what the farting situation is like, since, you know, the beds are kind of close. Everyone laughs nervously and I change the channel for a second because I can’t stand the awkwardness.
When I tune back in, Tyra announces it’s makeover day! But, sigh, no one flinches. Everyone’s all excited and happy to have their look molded by Tyra, even though she’s dressed like an orphan newsie. The preparation I’ve done all week to bear the grunt of the storm has been unnecessary. I feel defeated.
Lexie, Ann, and Rhianna, noticing the sincere lack of drama and worried about their camera time, decide to play a practical joke. And, I gotta say, it’s not half bad. The three of them create a fake makeover list that says what each girls’ new look is going to involve. They leave the list by the phone and Liz finds it and shares the news with the house. Lexie pretends to be devastated by the rumor that her look is going to be a “strawberry blonde afro” sewn into her head. Points for creativity and acting skills, Lex!
The next morning, the models arrive at Fred Siegel and the hair processing begins:
this is some kind of spaceship or something.
Right after their hair is finished, the models pose in white underwear for a photo shoot to see how well they “wear’ their new look. Hmmm, can we guess who’s in the bottom two? That’s right, Liz and Terra, the two girls who were least happy about their makeovers. Then BAM. One girl is going to be sent home, right here and now. No panel. No Tyra. Just Jay.
Jay decides that Terra has to go. She sniffles: “I’d much rather they send me home before they cut my hair then after.” And with one of the best quotes of the series so far, Terra exits.
But no time to mourn. We’ve got another photo shoot, people! The models are in Malibu this time posing as “fallen angels.” They’re each in dark, winged ensembles with feathers and tights, and they’re suspended by a harness and crane which makes them look like they’re, you guessed it, fallen angels. Each model chooses an emotion to portray
during her shoot and is paired with a male model.
Good grief it’s bad. Some of them are so terrible that they look like they’ve just been hanged. Only four of the twelve do a good job. The rest… suck. To panel!
This week Patricia Field, stylist for Sex and the City, is a guest judge. She’s got red hair so I thought she’d be wacky. Eh, not really. Here’s what went down:
Ann – Portrays “longing” and looks gorgeous. They’re all impressed by her photo. I’m impressed she touched the male model. Once again Ann scores the “best photo of the week.” She is clearly a top runner in the competition and is so gosh-darn likeable. I just want to drink sodas with her and eat Twizzlers and talk about boys.
Kayla – Portrays “evil.” I thought hers was the best photo of the lot. The judges agree that the slight curl of her mouth delicately and discreetly shows her wickedness. She gets runner up—just like last week.
Chelsey – Portrays “mystery.” She doesn’t even show her dentist-enlarged gap, which is the real mystery to me. But she looks professional and like she’s been modeling for a while.
Chris – Portrays “brokenhearted.” Sad that her sister was sent home, Chris is able to harness her feelings and use them to her benefit. She looks sad yet whimsical.
The Worst: Lexie and Sara. Tyra sings that Lexie delivered a “la” and that Sara delivered a “ballet dancer.”
Lexie – Portrays “predatorial.” Her legs look uncomfortable and her feet look big. Tyra says “You chose predatorial, but you didn’t even give us editorial. You gave us deaditorial.” Burn! Not looking good for Lexie.
Sara – Portrays “seductive.” If Sara’s photoshoot was sexy, then I will eat my cat. Sorry, Sara. You look like you’re doing pilates and that you’re hating it.
The verdict? Sara gets the boot. The California blonde turned eyebrowless brunette couldn’t be on top. Sara, if you need some beans, water, and a lifeline, I’m here. Give me a call. We can hang out and watch your eyebrows grow back while we wait for next week’s episode. And bring a crowbar—we gotta take down these clapboards. There was no storm, and forecast is clear.
Lindsay Mannering is a graduate of Boston College with a BA in English Literature and a Concentration in Creative Writing. She’s been thinking about applying for an MFA but is holding out for that engraved invitation.
During the week she spends her hours as an Account Executive in the luxury goods market and is pleased to pair her Payless flats with twenty-thousand dollar chains.
Her interests include college basketball, skinny-skiing and bull fights on acid.
You can follow her on Twitter here.
[Makeover images via Fashin.]