Last Night’s ANTM Was A Roller Coaster Filled With Crabs

When Sara was eliminated last week she packed her bags, but she didn’t go home. She came straight to my 400 square-foot apartment with a pizza and a sleeping bag. We’ve been lying around ever since, watching her eyebrows grow back in and logging on to, just to piss off “Take that!” we said with each hit. Then we watched Oprah (instead of The Tyra Banks Show), prank-called some boys, and waited for episode four of ANTM. And alas! It has now come and gone. Just like my “Sara-came-to-my-apartment” fantasy. Sigh. Alone I sit. Let’s recap.

Kacey, whom everyone in the house apparently hates, decides to have a barbeque and invites the male models from the “Fallen Angel” photo shoot. I am totally on board with this decision. We need something to stir the pot this season. A little vodka in a Diet Coke can, if you know what I’m saying.

But NOPE! True to Cycle Fifteen’s form, there is nothing exciting about the mixer. Phrases like “it felt like a middle school dance all over again,” and “when the guys showed, it was mad awkward” and “felt like a boy/girl party but the mom’s upstairs” were thrown around. If it felt half as uncomfortable as it did to watch, then I’m surprised my TV didn’t explode with embarrassment.

The next day the models meet Miss J. and Nigel at Knott’s Berry Farm for their first photo shoot. They ride the Silver Bullet rollercoaster–fun! Fitted with earpieces, the girls listen for cues from Nigel and Miss J. and as they whiz past the mounted cameras, the models pose portraying the emotion that they’re told.

The shots are just as hilarious as yours or mine would be: mouths blown back, eyes half shut, spittle on your chin. It’s all there, and it’s funny. Liz is the stand-out though, and wins the competition. Her reward (their word, not mine) is that she gets to spend an afternoon with Tyra, with Tyra as the photographer, while plugging Tyra’s, now let me make sure I’ve got this, uh, Magaline. Google tells me it’s Tyra’s venture to “redefine beauty online.” Consider yourself warned.

Liz chooses Chris and Kayla to accompany her on the photo shoot and they dress up in nude underwear and eat Tyra’s carrot cake crumbs and sip on tea. Oh, and Liz puts on a wig for her shoot and she’s right, she looks a lot better with hair. Softer and prettier.

The second shoot is with fashion’s top photographer, Matthew Rolston. With clients like Angelina Jolie, J Lo, and Penelope Cruz, this guy deserves the models’ attention. While in hair and make-up, Matthew comes around and suggests make-up tricks to make-up for facial shortcomings: an eyebrow is lower than the other, this side of the mouth is fuller than the other, this cheek is sharper than the other, etc.

For the shoot, the girls are dripping in jewels and… sea life. The photo is taken through a pane of water which is suspended above the dry girls below, and each model poses with a different sea creature, be it an eel, lobster, crab, starfish, etc. They’re sea goddesses! It’s fascinating to watch Matthew work and each girl seems appropriately impressed and humbled by the experience.

But enough with the compliments, let’s get to the criticisms! The judges panel is Tyra “The Bigger The Hair, The Better” Banks, Andre Leon Tally, Nigel “Really? I’m Still On This Show?” Barker, and Matthew Rolston.

Let’s take a look at the photos and see what the judges had to say.

In a déjà vu that’s still not old, Ann is given, rather, Ann earns the Top Photo of the Week award. Yay Ann! I love that you’re on top. Your photos are flawless, your quirkiness is more than endearing, and I see you going to the top three. Kacey is runner-up for Photo of the Week.

The bottom two are Liz and Rhianna. The judges wonder if Rhianna is too one-dimensional and only able to look like a flower-child. They’re pissed about Liz’s outlook, but appreciate her aesthetic.

The verdict? Rhianna must pack her bags and go home. Sadness. Frowny-face. I like you, Rhianna, and I see you modeling regardless of this “loss.” I’m sure you’d be great for Roxy or Billabong or Burton. So come on over to my place and let’s discuss a game-plan for getting you out there. Bring your bowl and your brownie recipe—we’ll cook up something real good, I promise.

[Images via ONTD.]

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