ANTM fans, it’s been a while. Sorry about the absence; I was called to Milan suddenly to look after our models and I couldn’t be troubled with recaps when there was consoling, encouraging (and eating) to be done. It’s been a hard road, we’ve lost Liz and Chris and the competition is getting fierce. I can’t handle the pressure anymore (or Miss J.’s whining) so I’m on the next flight back to NYC. Trouble is, I’ve got 210 pounds of extra baggage with me: 200 hundred pounds of model, and, oops, 10 for the pasta Milanese. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Did one of the models gain 100 pounds in Italy, or was it the dreaded double-elimination??” Let’s get to it.
Ann, Kayla, Chelsey, and Jane, or the Final Four, take a really awkward acting/emoting lesson from a crazy Italian lady who may or may not be your aunt who drinks three bottles of wine at family reunions. The models are instructed to wave their arms, scream, cry, and act coy. Ann and Jane suck it up—they look like a bunch of teenage skeletons dodging light: aimless, lost, and self-conscious. Kayla and Chelsey let loose and are watchable, which is really all I can ask for.
The acting lesson is supposed to help the Final Four gain confidence… for their go-see with Vogue Italia EIC, Franca Sozzani! Surprise! The models take an exciting elevator ride (their words, not mine) to the top floor where Franca sits, fresh flesh dangling from her fangs, bony elbows digging into her blood stained blotter.
Each model gets a chance to worship at the altar of Sozzani and present her portfolio. Leon Talley is there, hiding behind the curtain (or was that his jacket?), judging the girls’ presentation skills to determine the challenge winner. I imagine he felt like a Mayan on-looker, gathered to watch and rejoice in a virgin sacrifice. If there had been a sink-hole in her office, I’m sure Sozzani would’ve thrown in each girl. But Chelsey did the least bad (yes, that’s the official term) and wins the challenge. Yay, Chelsey! She’s rewarded with a private viewing of the Last Supper, which is pretty rad, and a stay at Europe’s only 7 star hotel, which is also pretty rad. Chelsey chooses Kayla to go with her, and Ann and Jane are left behind to ease their awkward pain with vodka and Chinese food. (Chinese food?? Really?? You’re in Milan and you order in Chinese?? I… no words.)
The next morning, it’s in fair Verona where we lay our scene. Tyra insists on making a “motion-editorial”, which is basically a terrible rip-off of a Victoria’s Secret commercial, fit with an empty mansion, wind machine, and dramatic close-ups. Each model gets a turn to twirl around in a beautiful ballroom in a poofy dress, sit in a chair and do hair flips, and make love to a hedge. Ok, well, that’s what it seemed like. They ran their fingers through the bushes and pretended to be sexy. It’s this episode where it becomes apparent that no one is ready to be a top model. But I think that’s the criticism of every season, since, uh, no one who’s won the show has ever become a Top Model.
Anyway, Tyra is really proud of herself but play-acts that she’s proud of the models. It’s panel time and the motion-editorials will be judged.
this is some kind of spaceship or something.
The verdict? Ann is safe. Chelsey is safe. Jane and Kayla are both sent home. I think the judges messed up here. The top two should’ve been Chelsey and Kayla. Ann is great in photos, but I’m sorry, she has absolutely no chance of doing well walking in a Roberto Cavalli show. Chelsey, you might as well start celebrating.
So here we are. Kayla, Jane and I are headed home. These checked bag fees are going to be astronomical. Bill to the CW, please.
Lindsay Mannering is a graduate of Boston College with a BA in English Literature and a Concentration in Creative Writing. She’s been thinking about applying for an MFA but is holding out for that engraved invitation.
During the week she spends her hours as an Account Executive in the luxury goods market and is pleased to pair her Payless flats with twenty-thousand dollar chains.
Her interests include college basketball, skinny-skiing and bull fights on acid.
You can follow her on Twitter here.