ANTM Recap: Wrestling In Heels Looks Really Hard

Hey guys! Remember Rhianna? Yeah, she was eliminated last week. But guess what. She’s here! Right next to me. She says hello. What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry, she says, more specifically, “What’s happenin, bitches?” She’s had a few too many of her homemade brownies. Anyway, we just finished watching episode five of ANTM and we’re psyched to recap. Right, Ri? Here we go.

Kacey “Everyone Hates Me” McGees comes up with a game to help the girls get to know one another. All we find out is that Liz was in a homeless shelter while pregnant, and that Jane’s dad is a lung doctor. Snooze. Rhianna was so bored during that part that she fell asleep lighting incense and nearly burned down my happenin pad. True story.

The next morning the models find themselves in downtown L.A.’s Second Street tunnel where a runway is set-up for an Herve Leroux fashion show. BUT! This isn’t just any runway, this is a runway of deathly conveyor belts. It did look nearly impossible, I must admit. Kacey and arch-rival Lexie do the best, which is to say they didn’t fall. Almost everyone else had some sort of major stumble. Miss Jay announces that Kacey is the runway walk winner, and let me tell you, Kacey screams as if she’d just seen Miss Jay naked. Blood-curdling. But she’s happy, and Rhianna insists that’s all that matters, so, yay.

Back at the house, the ladies are chilling and relaxing and acting all cool when Karolina Kurkova shows up. I mean, Rhianna is saying how jealous she is. Right? That’s pretty cool. (Rhianna and I just high-fived.)

Karolina teaches the girls the importance of eating healthfully and shows them how to make a super-food shake. Ann is in the background deep-frying Oreos and counting her Photo of the Week awards.

It’s photo-shoot time and the models must pose with wrestlers from Lucha va Voom, a form of Mexican Mask wrestling. Rhianna and I are just really happy that the models weren’t told to convey a specific emotion on this shoot because that was getting really old and hard to take. We’re glad to see the models take control (or try to, anyway) of their frames and how they look.

The photographers are father and son duo Eddie and Moche Brakha. They want the girls “to bring beautiful madness.” Each model must dominate the costumed wrestler she’s posing with and look rough, yet soft and attractive. The colors and wardrobe in the shoot are over the top and completely glamorous. Rhianna and I love it. We love it so much that we’re going to have a brownie in its honor. Mmmhmm, yummmm.

Back to the beauties. Here’s how the photos went:

Time for the Photo of the Week award! Coming in at 6 feet, 2 inches, from Dallas, Texas, weighing 65 pounds and with a quirkiness you can’t ignore, it’s… Ann! Ann wins again, for the fourth week in a row. She is my new hero. Tyra agrees and calls her performance “brilliant.” The judges like her professionalism and her consistently amazing photos.

Chris gets runner up, and her acceptance is touching. She’s genuinely grateful and honored, and seems so happy to be there.

The bottom two are Lexie and Jane. The judges like Lexie’s vivacious spirit, but just wish that would translate to her photos. They can’t seem to figure out Jane, and think her pictures have only been so-so.

The verdict? Lexie must pack her nose and go home. Bags! Lexie must pack her bags and go home. Lex, come on, you know I tease because I love. You’ve got so much potential and you seem really fun to be around. As I type Rhianna is packing up the last of her patchouli and brownie mix and is getting ready to hit the road. There’s now 50 square feet with your name on in it, sister. So get over here and let’s talk ish about the girls and make up some fake lists, you fun-loving son of crutch! We’ll have that frown turned upside down in no time.

Lindsay Mannering is a graduate of Boston College with a BA in English Literature and a Concentration in Creative Writing. She’s been thinking about applying for an MFA but is holding out for that engraved invitation.

During the week she spends her hours as an Account Executive in the luxury goods market and is pleased to pair her Payless flats with twenty-thousand dollar chains.

Her interests include college basketball, skinny-skiing and bull fights on acid.

You can follow her on Twitter here.

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