Blair Waldorf Reacts to the 15 Worst Sentences From Blake Lively’s Lifestyle Blog

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You may have noticed that the sun is shining a little brighter today. The birds are trilling with mellifluous song, the local farmer’s market is teeming with fresh produce, your organic silk paisley kimono is falling at just the right angle so passersby can catch a glimpse of the henna tattoo on your thigh, and every man looks like an extra from a Lana Del Ray music video. There is a reason for this strange turn of events, and no, your late-night sage clearing has nothing to do with it: Blake Lively’s new lifestyle website, Preserve.us, is now among us. Unfurl your yoga mats and give thanks, my children.

What is Preserve, other than something you had to do to your meats on the Oregon Trail, even though you’d most likely lose it all when you stupidly tried to ford the river? Preserve is all about “story-telling through video”; it focuses on “artisans and products” and living a “very one-of-a-kind, curated life.” According to Lively, the human equivalent of a sun-dappled veranda, a one-of-a-kind life requires a $92 chip and dip platter and $10 salt. Of course we aren’t talking about just any salt — you need a lemon flake salt that will “make you set sail across the seven seas to discover its mystical delicacy”! Because we are only human, we are unable to roll our eyes the number of times that scrolling through Preserve necessitates, but we know one gal who can: Queen Bee of everything above 96th street, Blair Waldorf. See how the scariest thing in a headband would react to fifteen ridiculous quotes from Preserve.

“Celebrations aren’t every day and that’s what makes them special.”

celebration

“The smoky scent of sandalwood burning on a wick, the ‘ahh’ of a warm bath; the precious exposure of your husband’s cheeks after a clean shave; the warmth of chocolate melting on your palette; the glow of reminiscing with your grandmother; the feeling of building not only a table, but also memories, with your dad—these are the quiet moments that make life most precious.”

credit card

“Taste may be our favorite of the five senses. We are positively afire with passion for food and its origins.”

curse worrds

“Our goal is to support the America we’ve always known, and the one we haven’t yet met.”

gross

“I am hungry, though… not just for enchiladas.”

stop talking

“We haven’t looked at Preserve as a new website, but rather as a new street. A sort of greatest hits of ‘Main Street, USA.’”

better

“We find him to be rad.”

smirk

“Hearing this makes us feel a bit… exposed. Shaken, even. But also stirred.”
forget

“To me, a sundae is a message from the subconscious, a stratified glimpse into a man’s desire hierarchy.”

shhh

“Escaping into a rainbow of lusciousness, I care not a lick for the real world and its tiresome toothaches.”

pained

“What if, instead of playing digital ping-pong all day long, you sat and took a few minutes to let your thoughts soak into paper with real ink from a real pen? You might just revive the idea that, despite its snail’s pace, a letter is an urgent thing indeed.”

eye roll

“Allow us to be so bold as to posit that a barbecue is an inherently medieval affair.”

sparkly

“A wily knave is oft climbing a tree while a newly minted Lord ‘n Lady lay in the grass betwixt the thickets, bashful in the afternoon glow of the late summer sun.”

stop

“You only need to watch one episode of Girls to know that banter and Brooklyn go hand and hand.”

go back

“What is it about little girls and dressing up dollies? We love it. It is our god given right.”

too good

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