…RANKED. Just kidding, ranking them would be personal and invasive. In case you haven’t heard the
travesty that’s befallen FKA twigs’ life news, British singer/songwriter and peddler of premium smoochin’ music FKA twigs is reportedly casually hooking up with British actor and peddler of irresponsibly long and boring monogamous relationships Robert Pattinson. This is all kinds of weird, and all kinds of upsetting. FKA twigs is so cool and sexy! Robert Pattinson is so…vanilla? I don’t know, it’s weird, alright? Can we all agree that it’s weird?
Can we then further agree that the only way FKA twigs is getting it up for R-Patz’s pretty face and useless personality is by listening to her own bump ‘n’ grind jams for the sexually liberated millennial woman? And that the only charm Robert Pattinson can muster is showing his most beloved film roles in the hopes that she’ll find him vaguely interesting?
Here’s what we imagine the pair’s hookup sessions scored by:
1. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Robert Pattinson’s breakout, and most charming role by a landslide. No one doesn’t appreciate a smirking, devilishly handsome teenage boy.
2. Water Me
This is what FKA twigs plays when Robert Pattinson is feeling a little self-conscious about getting frisky.
3. Little Ashes
This is what Robert plays to convince twigs that he’s super sexually adventurous, he swears.
4. Papi Pacify
This is what she plays when she’s so bored out of her baby-hair-covered skull that she needs to access her spank bank for the image of a beautiful man sensually gagging her.
5. Breaking Dawn
“I CAN BE SENSUAL, TOO, TWIGS.”
6. Two Weeks
Because our mental image of FKA twigs screaming “OPEN YOUR MOUTH” at R-Patz is too good.