Why I Can Wear Glasses And Taylor Swift Can’t

I wear glasses. I have worn them since I was 18 months old. I wear them most days. I get asked all the time if my oversized glasses are “real.” Yes, of course they’re real! Do I look like the kind of person who would wear fake frames? Or maybe there are just more optical impostors out there than I realize. To which I say: down with vanity frames!

Glasses should be worn out of necessity. If you are unfortunate enough to have poor eyesight, then you should be able to balance out your debilitating myopia/hyperopia/whatever eye ailment you may have with cool frames. You deserve it! Conversely, if you are wear glasses with nonprescription lenses (or more ridiculously, no lenses at all), you are officially the worst.

Here’s the deal: I’m attached to my glasses. I have contacts, but generally prefer my specs. Maybe it has something to do with my accessories fetish. I will never get laser eye surgery (though I’m often asked if/when I will), because having the option to don eyewear is a great one. If I’m ever feeling boring, my huge frames are the perfect antidote. If I ever need to appear particularly knowledgable or wise, glasses it is.

But glasses didn’t used to be a thing. People hated them! Dorothy Parker was all, “Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.” Now glasses are a thing boys like! It’s weird! It’s even weirder when they incorporate said glasses into a pick-up line. One time in college a boy came up to me and said, “I’ve never made out with a girl in glasses before.” I responded with, “Okay, creepy boy at this random frat party, stick your tongue down my throat and I can make your dreams come true!” (Kidding! I’m pretty sure my actual response was, “Well, you aren’t going to tonight.” I really told him.) During my senior year, my glasses were remarked on an average of 2.5 times per bar visit (and those visits occurred pretty much seven days a week so… you do the math).

Now celebrities are making it okay for people to wear fake glasses. And it pisses me off. Taylor Swift, what are you doing? Biebs, WTF? You people are not nerds! Stop trying to pretend like you are! As an actual nerd, I’m allowed to say these things! Wearing fake glasses is sort of like wearing a cast when you don’t have a broken arm. People give you all this undeserved attention for something you totally made up. And that’s not cool. And while I’m feeling ranty: posers on the L train, your 20/20 vision offends me! Models who pose in eyewear, let’s get real!

I guess the moral of the story is this: be true to yourself. And if that self has perfect eyesight, you better not wear glasses in my presence.

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