But we have never considered whether belly buttons were desperate. That is, until now, when Tracy Anderson opus, Goop lady and controversial Most Beautiful Woman winner, Gwyneth Paltrow, was left figuratively bludgeoned and lifeless on the floor in the early hours of this morning. No, her Vanity Fair profile hadn’t dropped early. It was something much worse — she had worn a crop top, “brazenly” exposing her “desperate” belly button and her unseemly 41-year-old flesh to the scathing eyeballs of Telegraph Fashion at sophisticated dinner to celebrate ’The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet‘. How could she?!
Does she not know that she is over the age of 24? Is she not aware that we are under the age of 41 and therefore still have fully-functioning retinas? I mean, we can see her! Well, 85% of her anyway, but who cares — she may have the stomach of a 12-year-old with a rowing machine addiction, but we all know it’s been around for over four decades. This is precisely why she is experiencing ‘long butt’ and ‘outer thigh problems’: These are the symptoms of a decaying body that must be swathed only in Walmart’s contemporary stretch cotton separates rather than pretty, embellished crop tops.
“A toned stomach (and for that matter, a smooth, gently rounded one) can be an uplifting sight — on a beach,” comments the Telegraph’s fashion editor Lisa Armstrong. “But out and about town, it’s unclear what they bring to the party, other than a dose of trashy-ness.”
Other ladies unintentionally bringing the trash in include Mariah Carey, who recently dropped 30 pounds and dared to prove it by wearing a tank top with her Alexander McQueen skirt at the BET Black Girls Rock Event in New Jersey this week. Not usually Paltrow’s style sister, but “that’s what you get when you go down the desperate road of the bare belly button,” reads the gospel according to Telegraph.
What lies at the end of this desperate road? A bargain bin of fleece onesies? A hefty fine, a rap on the knuckles and an official warning from the fashion police? Maybe a faraway land where other ballsy dames like Helen Mirren and Carine Roitfeld romp around like delusional, stripper heel and crop top-clad ewes before the slaughter?
See the offending outfit here, if you can stomach it.
Gwyneth Paltrow Has a ‘Long Butt’ and ‘Outer Thigh Problems’
Helen Mirren Loves Stripper Heels, Dresses With Sleeves
Wearing Makeup Means You Are Lying to Men
What You Need Now: 12 Structured Crop Tops for Elegant Exposure