WATCH: Kate Upton Simulates Sex With A Hardee’s Sandwich

Kate Upton didn’t have a date to the drive-in, and she was very sad. Nobody liked her fuzzy pink sweater or messy bun! But she really wanted to see the movie that was playing, so she went anyway. To quell her loneliness, she ordered a Carl’s Jr. and/or Hardee’s Southwest Patty Melt. She kept biting into it — CRUNCH! — but the sandwich wouldn’t get any smaller.

She kept trying and trying until she suffered an intense allergic reaction. She couldn’t stop sweating! But she couldn’t stop eating! And her boobs needed to be set free! “Maybe if I simulate sex with the sandwich, I will rid myself of this affliction,” she thought. And so simulate she did, rather convincingly, to no avail.

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