“Hahahahahahhahahaha, oh Tina, you really are a pillar of modern American comedy, you know that? Remember that time you and me and Amy all hung out and just like, rapped together? Cuh-razy times, girl. Oh, thank you for noticing! My hair does smell really good, doesn’t it? It’s totally the styling creme my blowout guy uses. It’s delicious, right? Kinda smells like cologne, in a weird way? I love it. I can totally have him send you a case. Your brows look fantastic, by the way. I don’t know how you maintain them with two kids running around. Have you met Oprah, yet? I can totally introduce you guys, if not.
Oh, GOD, what a cad I’m being. I’m so sorry. I totally, totally forgot the Cabot College news broke this morning. God, just when you think the world is ready for females in the comedy space, you know? What a blow to just like, women, really. Like, what misogynist assholes don’t want A TINA FUCKING FEY HALF-HOUR on their network? What is WRONG with these people? Idiots. IDIOTS.
I mean, you know I will always support your work, right? Anything you ever need from me, I’m here. And I lovelovelove self-deprecating humor. I mean, you know me. I’ll be the first person to poke fun at myself if Fallon asks me to. So really, if you think it would be like, funny or whatever for me to make a Cady Heron reappearance, like *throws hands up* “oh, hot mess Cady, after she dropped out of the mathletes and got really into the group sex scene at her liberal arts college and now she’s a wiccan” hahaha or whatever, I know, I’m so crazy. God, it would be so great to get together with you and Lizzy for coconut waters at this great little juice bar I know and really hash all this out. I just think it could be so funny, and with you at the helm? God, we’ll make those suits at Fox RUE THE DAY, you know?
*cardboard cutout of impeccably coiffed Tina Fey falls over*