Hey, remember the MTV VMAs? They just happened on Sunday? Yeah, like, this past Sunday, August 24th? It was a whole thing — there were promos and a red carpet countdown and signs in the subway and Sway Calloway untucked himself from the home he built in his dread hat like a snail coming out of its shell. People received awards? I would tell you their names but I didn’t know any of them…they were all very small and shiny and had a lot of teeth…they all kind of looked like Furbys. Oh, and there were performances! Nicki Minaj performed “Anaconda” and the movements of her ass have affected tidal patterns permanently. A cute homeless guy was there? Seriously, none of this is ringing a bell? *sigh* Do you remember when MTV handed out some awards at a Beyoncé concert? Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.
Alright, so, perennial flare-up Katy Perry decided that her presence wasn’t enough of a boil on the face of the evening and dragged along “This Is How We Do” collaborator and VH1 reality star Riff Raff as her date. No, not this Riff Raff:
That surely would’ve been an upgrade. No, we’re talking about white Southern rapper and human equivalent of the hair you pull out of your shower drain Riff Raff. (If you’re still confused about the origins/purpose of such a creature, just consult your Pokedex.) Now, for all intents and purposes, Riff Raff was Perry’s chosen companion for the night, but the “Roar” singer couldn’t have given the rap game James Franco a colder shoulder. Perry had her eyes and limbs and snark trained on seatmate and soppy-eyed Brit Sam Smith. We didn’t know how Mr. Raff felt about his exclusion…until now.
A few days ago, Smith shared a photo from the evening of him and his girls, Katy Perry and Charli XCX, just having a crazy, wild, gang sign-throwing time. Classic MTV VMAs:
Notice anything missing? A body that should be attached to that one distressed knee in the lower lefthand corner, perhaps? Riff Raff certainly noticed. Riff Raff sees all. And earlier this morning, Riff Raff let the world know how he felt about these middle school mean girl shenanigans:
THANKS FOR CUTTiNG ME OUT OF THE PiCTURE U CHUBBY LiTTLE FUCK FACTORY P.S. YOUR FACE iS SUPER HUGE @samsmithworld
— RiFF RAFF (@JODYHiGHROLLER) August 29, 2014
FUCK FACTORY WITH A SUPER HUGE FACE! DAMN. These are the type of insults you throw around when you find out from your friends’ away messages that the new transfer student with the cool accent and weird clothes started an AOL private chat room and they were all invited and you weren’t and they are all in it, forming new hilarious inside jokes, and you aren’t. When you point out someone’s face size, you are feeling that real pain.
But don’t worry, Sam Smith, I get it. I wish I could crop Riff Raff out of life. Except that one song, “Swag On Top Of Swag.” That song is my JONT.
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