Where are Lil Kim’s friends? Anyone? Anyone have their pager number or their Nextel information? Can we put out an APB on Kim’s posse because those m-er f-ers have some explaining to do. They really dropped the ball in terms of their platonic obligations. How did no one stop Lil Kim from recording an unprompted diss track about Nicki Minaj? When Kimberly Denise Jones assembled her crew at the local Denny’s (they have a great value menu) and announced that she was launching a full-scale verbal assault on Minaj — the woman who just dropped what will probably be the best guest vocal of 2014, if not the best verse (yeah, I said it); the rapper who is known as Nicki the Ninja — did no one think to say, Hey, maybe that’s not the best idea? A MILLION HANDS SHOULD’VE FLOWN UP, EACH REPRESENTING A MILLION QUESTIONS, QUERIES, AND POINTS OF CLARIFICATIONS. But instead you all probably erupted into an oratorio of ill-timed YAAASSSes like the Nope City Gay Men’s Chorus. You let the world down, you let Lil Kim down, and now we have to deal with this:
Oh, Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly. Why couldn’t you have just written a subtweet or ranted to Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot over a bottle of wine? Why couldn’t you take a page out of Trina’s book and spend your time flying around, making international appearances, and buying cute bags? I love you, the rap game is indebted to you, you will forever be the Queen Bee — but this is just a mess. You know as well as I do that Nicki wasn’t coming for you in “Flawless”. Let’s be real: Nicki probably hasn’t thought about you in a long time. With the rise of Miss. I Come From A Land Down Under But Sound Like I’ve Been Sippin Syrup With Three 6 Mafia Since Birth, she has more pressing concerns.
Since it isn’t likely that Minaj will respond (which is actually more embarrassing, IMO), we’ve taken it upon ourselves to approximate her thoughts on Kim’s barbs.
I’m jet chartering, fresh cardigan
Getting my Martha in while these broke hoes borrowing
(Ed’s Note: Kiiiimmm, let’s not forget that you were the one asking your fans to buy you baby shower gifts as of four months ago. So who’s borrowing what now?)
These swagger jackers give the game a bad look
Pop shit on Twitter and apologize on Facebook
I won’t stop till I see my enemies rest
They probably get locked up for identity theft
I ain’t got time for bum bitches, the gun get it
I come with it, anything you tryna do, I done did it
What y’all want, huh?
What y’all want, huh? Huh, huh
(Be careful what y’all wish for)
(Cause now she’s pissed off)
Better wear your crosses and roseries, need the Qur’an
Pray to Allah for you think about approaching me
I gave birth to your style, watch how you speak to ya mammy
And I ain’t talking in term of revenue
I’m talking IRS, the Goodfella crew
Uh, you was never hard, check my repertoire
Fuck cash, my name is a black card
QUIZ: Should You Side With Nicki Minaj or Lil’ Kim In This Rap Battle?
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