Trivia time! What is a post-breakup outfit? Is it a) an ‘art’, b) skinny jeans and a casual t-shirt, d) a pair of second-skin leather pants or c) a dumb, sexist term that converts a slow news day into click-throughs?
For the Telegraph, or what was formerly the Telegraph and is now a combination of Thought Catalogue and E!‘s Fashion Police, it is a combination off all the above. For Glamour, it’s a sexy cutout dress that you can slip a demure skirt over for “chance encounters” with your ex in the office. For Stacy London it’s something slutty and a pair of $1,000 shoes.
For us it’s a good excuse to find out how weird the Ben and Jerry’s pineapple flavor really is and maybe even spill some on the saggy Forever 21 leggings we’ll be wearing for seven consecutive days. Or maybe to dress slutty without feeling the need to justify it, or maybe to just continue putting on the clothes we put on while we were in said relationship, because every breakup is different and there’s no perfect post-breakup outfit to remedy all post-breakup moods. Maybe you were the one who broke up with him. Maybe the split was amicable. Maybe you’re completely and utterly heartbroken and not really interested in getting under another man in order to get over the first one.
What London and the Telegraph both insinuate in their post-breakup sartorial rulebook is that the breakup has left the woman stranded and forlorn. Sure it’s highly possible that you’re feeling like a lost turd, but you could also be feeling totally fine. And though Liberty Ross, publicly humiliated by d-bag husband Rupert Sanders, probably fell into the turd-feeling category, we don’t have evidence that her micro shorts and “pins buffed, waxed and moisturized to perfection” had anything to do her husband. Hey Telegraph, did you consider that maybe she’s just a massive babe who felt like wearing shorts?
With that said, while there’s no one thing you can put on that will cure you of breakupness, we do have some suggestions:
1. Anything your ex didn’t like.
2. Anything guys don’t “get”. If being newly single isn’t an excuse to channel your inner Man Repeller with a pair of full-length denim overalls then we don’t know what is.
3. Something ridiculously expensive. Sure it could be a pair of $1000 Louboutins, but really it can be any reason to drop an exorbitant amount of money on a clothing item and leave the receipt face-up on the kitchen counter.
4. Bright blue lipstick. Actually any kind of lipstick. There are definite upsides to not having your lips chaffed by your boyfriend’s five o’clock shadow multiple times daily.
5. Bridget Jones underwear or any kind of crotch-obscuring hosiery.
6. Leggings. They’re comfy, dammit, and who wants to ruin a really expensive thing with grease stains from repeat Seamless deliveries?