Project Runway Recap: Models On Stilts Need Really Long Dresses

Tragically, we missed last week’s episode, which asked the designers to create garments using materials from a New York City pet store. Olivier Green won the challenge, Joshua Christensen was eliminated after being in the bottom twice in two weeks, and Bert Keeter revealed himself to be a bit of an arrogant prig. Darn it all, Bert!

This week (NB: have the credits always been this terrible?), Fallene Wells wondered if she was “too much of a normal person” for this competition after being hammered by the judges in the last challenge, and a couple of cocky jerks — adorably southern-accented Anthony Ryan Auld among them — began to reveal themselves in individual interviews. Heidi Klum greeted the designers on stilts, and then introduced a pack of similarly attired models. The designers were asked to create looks for them, with only one day to complete their garments before showing them in an outdoor runway show. They were also asked to work in teams of two, chosen at random. Victor Luna was teamed up first with Bert and copped a huge attitude about it, which Bert and I agreed was unprofessional. Everyone else talked major trash about their partners, Anya Ayoung-Chee excepted (she was over the moon about partnering with Oliver).

The designers brainstormed with their partners and their models, and everyone took the first trips of the season to both Mood and PretentiousTown (Bert: “That’s not Victorian…Victor needs to do a bit of book reading.” Joshua McKinley: “HOW much training do you have in couture?”). Swatch update: still the cutest!

Despite their frustrations, some of the designers — well, at least Anya and Olivier — even managed to get along! “It’s kind of difficult to make sense with someone who’s crazy,” Victor said of Bert, which tells you how well that was going. Bryce Black got self-righteous about Fallene’s inability to cut fabric “on grain”, because he went to design school and is a geniusssss. Never mind that self-taught Fallene still managed to make it on this show, so it’s not like he was working with a total idiot. Tim Gunn came in to consult with the designers rather late in the process, it seemed, but that was probably due to the constraints of the single-day schedule. Despite Bert and Victor each begging Tim to take their side, he reminded them that they were each other’s only hope for the challenge. They became a teensy bit more civil as the evening wore on, while cracks appeared in the Cecilia Motwani/Danielle Everine and Fallene/Bryce partnerships.

The designers raced to finish their looks and style their models on the morning of the runway show. As always, it was great to listen to the bizarre language enlisted by the contestants and makeup artists to communicate with one another (“Pulled back, but not like a ponytail—” “Oh, a faux-nytail!”). The show was held on a very gray and yucky day in Battery Park, but on the bright side, Michael Kors’ dumb runway show sunglasses actually made sense for once. The guest judge was Kim Kardashian, who looked stunning and also took very earnest notes with her Most Serious Face on for the duration of the show.

To be honest…everyone’s garment looked kind of weird and terrible, with the exception of Laura Kathleen and Anthony’s stunning red dress. It’s hard to say if that was due to the designs, the terrible zombie-gait given to the models by the stilts, or all the weird swanning around they did with their arms at the end of the runway. Once the show was over, everyone headed back to the studio for the verdict.

The breakdown was thus: Oliver/Anya were squarely in the middle.

Top 3: Danielle/Cecilia, Anthony/Laura, Kimberly Goldson/Becky Ross

Bottom 3: Fallene/Bryce, Victor/Bert, Joshua/Julie Tierney. Mea culpa, Bryce! Turns out that “on grain” thing was sort of a big deal.

The judges crowned Anthony and Laura the winners of the challenge, to no one’s surprise. Though they had unkind words for all the designers in the bottom, both Kim and Heidi totally hated Victor’s attitude and ascribed most of the design failure to him. They saved Bert right away and left Victor, Fallene, and Bryce to battle it out for the final two spots. Age before beauty, Victor! Ultimately, Bryce and Victor were saved, leaving poor Fallene to completely fall apart onstage. Even Heidi seemed concerned about how sad she was. When she was able to calm down, she said goodbye to her fellow contestants and Tim cheerfully and gracefully. And then I immediately forgot about her, because next week the contestants will be designing FOR NINA GARCIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Quote of the week: “[Bert’s] like a 57 year old child.” – Mr. Maturity, Victor Luna

Runner Up: “It’s almost like in the movie ‘The Sound of Music’ when they took the drapes off and made their clothes… like, the Marie Antoinette days.” – Kim Kardashian. Wait, what?

Insult of the week: “It’s like the wallpaper and curtains at a really tacky catering hall.” – The inimitable Michael Kors. No one can take the Insult of the Week crown away from this man!

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