Kanye West recently sat down to an interview with GQ and, true to form, the four-page Q&A is filled with glorious Kanye-isms about how he thinks Kim Kardashian is his “dinosaur” and what Page Six missed when they only reported on his wedding’s golden toilets. (For the record, he did not deny that he had golden toilets. This is why Kanye is Kanye and you’re still trying to push the limits of how long you can keep this morning’s tampon in.) Yet, hands down, the best revelation of the Book of Kanye came when the rapper turned designer turned nucleus of culture compared himself to a blowfish:
There’s no fangs. I don’t have fangs. I’m a porcupine. I’m a blowfish … I’m not a shark, I’m a blowfish. So that perfect example about me hitting my head, it’s like a blowfish. I wasn’t coming out of my house going to a paparazzi’s house to attack them. I’m defending my family in front of my own house. I’m defending my name as someone’s screaming something negative at me. That’s a blowfish. People have me pinned as a shark or a predator in some way, and in no way am I that. I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. I want to defend people. I want to help people.
This led us to think: is Kanye the only human-blowfish hybrid out there, warding off predators with large external spines and spawning on dry land? Could we be blowfish? Could you? We devised a simple nine-question survey to answer that very question.
1. What is your preferred habitat?
A) The front row of Balenciaga F/W 2015 or the salt and pepper tendrils of Rick Rubin’s beard.
B) Estuarine waters.
C) Anywhere cosmopolitan, really. I’m not picky. I’ve heard good things about Portland.
2. Who is your natural enemy?
A) The paparazzi, awards that I was nominated for but don’t win, myself.
C) I don’t think I have one/street canvassers/bouncers/crust punks/all men.
3. How do you defend yourself?
A) Epic auto-tuned festival rants, magazine profiles, all-caps tweets.
B) By filling my extremely elastic stomach with water or air until it is much larger and almost spherical in shape, thus causing my sharp pointed spines to protrude.
4. Which magazine covers have you appeared on?
A)Vogue, GQ, Details, VIBE, Time, XXL, Rolling Stone, Source, V, Complex…
B) National Geographic, your least favorite Zoobook.
C) When you were thirteen, you went to a bat mitzvah that had a pretty fancy photobooth where you could make it look as if you were on the cover of your own magazine. Your mom still has the photo and its accompanying cardboard frame hanging in the living room.
5. What you order?
A) Fish fillet.
C Well I had a Poptart earlier this morning…
6. What are you wearing?
A) Couture leather jogging pants and/or a kilt, crystal-studded Mason Martin Margiela face mask, your own limited-edition Nike sneakers.
B) Sharp spines coated with a potent neurotoxin.
C A blouse that you scored on sale from Zara that has a small coffee stain on it from this morning but you don’t think anyone can notice it.
7. Finish this sentence: Kim Kardashian is…
A) My dinosaur, the type of “girl that… would have the skill set to go and grab the one book, turn to the exact page, and just magically say, ‘That’s the exact answer.’”
B) Please put me back into the water, I am dying.
C) The reason why I’ve spent almost fifty real-world dollars on “star-power” and “energy” for my virtual social-climbing fashionista. Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is the tenth circle of Hell.
8. What is the most blowfish-like thing about you?
A) I walked into a street sign and hit my head because I was trying to avoid the paparazzi.
B) I am a blowfish.
C) I move very slowly.
9. Choose One:
If you chose mostly A’s….
Damn, we are pretty sure you are Kanye himself, which means yes, you totally are a blowfish!
If you chose mostly B’s…
You are apart of the Tetraodontidae family of fish, which means there’s a good chance that you are a pufferfish! Unfortunately for you, pufferfish aren’t equipped to access the oxygen in air and you have died.
If you chose mostly C’s…
Aw, shucks — you’re just an average human being, not a pufferfish. Guess you’ll never know what it’s like to be the second-most poisonous vertebrate in the world. (If you’re really curious, you can always ask your ex. They know… *rimshot*)