Rihanna is Esquire‘s sexiest woman alive. But her cover is not sexy, and neither are the other photos, the accompanying video, and the alternately annoying and offensive profile.
We may not be in Esquire‘s target demographic, but these photos are decidedly unsexy! Naked Rihanna is covered in seaweed, leaves, dirt, and woodchips in what appears to be a parody of a sexy lady spread. But no, they’re serious. And kind of gross? The video from the shoot is similarly vexing — look at Rihanna seducing the camera with the dirt! So sexy!
And then the profile. Oh, the profile! There’s this:
She grabs her own radiant ass — she handles it, offers it — like it’s a rump roast. She squats and spreads her legs, settles a hand between them, where it stays. Caresses her breasts. She masturbates a dancer with the help of a cane. She pretends to go down on the keytarist.
Madonna once did a Vegas-revue version of this show, but Rihanna is the indisputable champion of carnal pop. At this moment, in this room, she is the essence of Fuck.
She is lacquered. She glistens. She looks wet, actually.
Wow, really catering to the least common denominator there, Esquire. We’re also sad to report that this is what the pop star said about abusive ex-boyfriend Chris Brown, despite the fact that he beat her so badly he left her with a black eye and split lip:
“It’s incredible to see how he pulled out of it the way he did. Even when the world seemed like it was against him, you know? I really like the music he’s putting out. I’m a fan of his stuff. I’ve always been a fan. Obviously, I had some resentment toward him for a while, for obvious reasons. But I’ve put that behind me. It was taking up too much of my time. It was too much anger. I’m really excited to see the breakthrough he’s had in his career. I would never wish anything horrible for him. Never. I never have.”
this is some kind of spaceship or something.