WATCH: Simon Doonan Defends Child Pageants To Conan

Is there anyone more eminently quotable than Simon Doonan? The creative ambassador at large of Barney’s stopped by Conan O’Brien last night to discuss his book, Why Gay Men Don’t Get Fat, which means that, naturally, the pair also talked about man boobs, gays at the office, and child pageant stars.

Namely, Doonan thinks gay men and former child pageant contestants make the best employees. Gay men because they have the ability to create “distraction” when things aren’t going well — Doonan cites his tendency to do ’80s aerobics in the middle of the office — and child stars, well, because Doonan always wished he’d been one.

“For me, I’m very jealous of those children… I would have given anything to be twirling a glittery baton or learning to tap dance or doing my hair in fin de siecle ringlets… Like spray tan, bring it on! They had discipline in learning to tap dance. They learned to lose and not lose hard. That’s very important. My agent is always saying to me, ‘You need to stop defending child pageants. Move away from that platform.'”

Check out Doonan’s pageant theory below:

And his anti-man boobs campaign in this clip:

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