Glitter, Britain and Boobs at the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

Like Miss Universe, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is a lot to comprehend when you’re sober. But seeing as it’s 10 am on a Thursday morning, we’re decoding last night’s glittery choas of boobs, wings, Taylor Swift and bras that cost the equivalent of 100 seconds of Superbowl advertising with little more than our morning coffee. Come, gawk along with us:

 

Devon Windsor RAWD’d out with her animal print boobs out in this backwards velvet leotard:

 

Hilary Rhoda‘s phenomenal abs should be detracting from her feathery arm sleeves. They are not:

 

Erin Heatherton is wearing the salvaged remains of Karlie Klossracism outfit:

 

Magdalena Frackowiak hip-waist proportions are perhaps the greatest testament to the powers of human evolution:

 

If we had a body like Adriana Lima‘s we would cut the entire front section out of our shirts too:

 

Swifty gives a sartorial shout out to Ginger:

 

Toni Garn is sending out the requisite Coachella vibes:

 

The only thing sexier than bed hair is still being tangled up in the sheets:

 

Doutzen Kroes is literally an angel and these wings are retractable rather than detachable:

 

“Joke’s on you, because I’m wearing the fugliest bustier in existence yet still look insanely hot” – Sui He 11/13/2013:

 

Half-way through the show Doutzen got swallowed by this furry blue vagina:

 

Here’s Erin Heatherton duckfacing:

 

Joan Smalls could murder you with her thighs and get away with manslaughter:

 

Look at this picture and tell me there’s never a reason to use the word “epic”. This person has also given birth to two humans:

 

Cindy Bruna does cabaret luxe:

 

Ieva Laguna is doing a good job of not looking pissed that she’s dressed like an Avril Lavingne-themed Valentines hamper:

 

Ming Xi actually almost pulls this off:

 

But actually :/

 

Lily Aldridge is the guardian angel of awkward punk revival outfits:

 

Cara Delevingne sexes it up in yellow equine examination gloves:

 

Constance Jablonski is walking like Jesus carrying the cross because HOLY COW LOOK AT THOSE WINGS:

 

Image not recommended for pregnant women or sufferers of epilepsy:

 

This segment is called ‘British Invasion’:

 

Is it racist? It’s such a vision I cannot tell:

 

This is almost making me not hate sports:

 

Here it is! The Wonderbra! It’s called ‘Royal Fantasy Bra’ and boasts 4,200 previous gems, including diamonds, rubies, and sapphires, which are all set in 18 carrot gold with a 52-carat ruby as its focal point. It costs as much as a vacation home in Thailand, the Missouri senator’s 2010 campaign, or 100 seconds of Superbowl advertising:

 

One more for good measure, because Behati <3

 

Related links:
Our Predictions for the 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show
Candice Swanepoel Will Wear Victoria’s Secret’s $10 Million Fantasy Bra
Here’s What Went Down at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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