The First Woman to Beat the American Ninja Warrior Finals Course is Our Hero

Because we don’t watch TV shows centered around real human beings performing incredible acts of strength and agility (unless you consider what Natasha Lyonne is able to accomplish in a bathroom stall with a fellow OITNB inmate an incredible act of strength and agility, which we would), we had to use our Google machines to figure out what that heck American Ninja Warrior is and why someone would willingly throw their body at a hanging net in front of a crowd of strangers.

What we discovered is that the series is basically a televised version of that obstacle course you were forced to complete in middle school in order to teach you something about teamwork and resilience or something, except this time there is no contemptuous gym teacher to help you down from the chain swing should you get scared and every challenge is much, much harder. Like, Hey why don’t you just run up this curved wall? hard.

We were still unclear on that last question — why anyone would want to face off with a terror death trap that looks like it was made out of defective Legos — until we watched this video of gymnast Kacy Catanzaro. No woman had ever completed the qualifying course, let alone the finals course, until Catanzaro came around and killed it. We have to admit, we are incredibly inspired. Not inspired enough to go fuck around on Satan’s jungle gym but we’ll definitely… think about taking the stairs today. Definitely.

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